by Lucky Lucy | Sep 1, 2015 | Dating, Men, Relationships, The Men I've Almost Dated |
My book editing is nearly done. Just one more read-through and it will be ready for final checking by my editor Kristy. She’s been so patiently waiting and encouraging me over the past few months but I think I gave her a bit of a ‘moment’ in our conversation last week when I said I wanted to rewrite the whole thing.
I was half-serious with the comment because when I read through my book now it feels like it was written by someone else. Oh, I know I’ve definitely done all the things in that book and lived through those experiences. But the person I am now is so very different from that 30-something woman who somewhat blindly found her way out of a 10-year marriage, through divorce and into the dysfunctional world of dating.
Take for instance my chapter entitled, Why Men Are Like Feral Cats. Even now it seems like an outrageous statement to make but, back then, I came across a number of men who were exactly like our feline friends. As I wrote, ‘Men couldn’t have anything in common with previously domesticated but now wild animals running the streets with absolutely no sense of responsibility. Could they?’
If you’ve been single for any period of time you’ll know the types of ‘cats’ I’m referring to here. In my book I’ve broken them down into some categories. These include the Never-Been-Faithful Cat who ‘flirts and behaves like the most unattached man with any attractive woman within a five-kilometre radius.’ There’s the Shameless Cat who ‘will chat up multiple women in the same location, within minutes of each other’ (for him it’s purely a numbers game). And of course, there’s the Shady Cat. He’s the one disguised as the nice guy until his partner is out of earshot (or in the next room) and then suddenly he’s all hands and innuendo.
Are you seeing the similarities yet between some men and feral cats? I’ll give you a hint…it may have something to do with their need to copulate with as many females as possible, regardless of their relationship status.
Fortunately, I have also come to know some lovely men who don’t resemble feral cats in any way whatsoever. Ladies they do exist, thank goodness! But the feral cats are still out there and when I look back at the woman who had those experiences, I shake my head ruefully. I was so naïve about men and human behaviour when I ventured into the Land of Single. And learning about feral cats was just one of the lessons I had to learn the hard way.
I’m still single now but, as I read through my book from beginning to end for what is probably the last time, I know how much I’ve grown from all the experiences it describes. I’m wiser but in many ways, when it comes to men, I’m still just as clueless. Does that ever change, I wonder? Or is that just one of the constant mysteries of life…that men and women are such different creatures that we must always be prone to miscommunication, misdirection and misdemeanors while we navigate the dating world?
I’m not sure, but I’m still out there hoping for the best. Except these days, I can usually spot a ‘feral cat’ at 10 paces.
by Lucky Lucy | Apr 11, 2015 | Fear, Love, Relationships |
There are times in your life when you wonder if you could ever really go back. Could you rekindle that old flame? Is it ever really possible go back to the place that you’d been and somehow make it better the second time around?
I’ve been thinking about this lately and I’ve come to the conclusion that no, you can never really go back to what was. But you can go back to that person and start anew if you have both transformed.
Because there was a reason that relationship broke down the first time. It didn’t work. Whether you or they broke it off, there was something wrong. So walking back in and thinking you can just start again where you finished is naïve and potentially disastrous.
More importantly, you played a role in that relationship and if it didn’t work, part of that responsibility lies with you.
Did you honour yourself in that relationship? Did you speak your truth or did you bite down your words to keep the peace? Did you put the needs of others above your own? Were you fearful of connecting with someone honestly so you always held back a little?
You can point your finger as much as you like at the other person but they reflected something in you. And that’s something you need to look at. If you don’t, you will probably repeat the experience again with someone else. If you don’t take responsibility for the role you played you won’t have learned what you needed to learn.
So as you look back and point the finger at the other person, know that you are really pointing at yourself.
It’s challenging to think like this because it means we have to take ownership of what has happened. Usually it didn’t just happen to us. We made choices that led us to that point and we attracted what was within us.
I’ve been doing my own self-assessment about a previous relationship recently and it’s been an eye-opening experience. I’ve realised that I didn’t always honour myself and I watched as he did the same.
I put his emotional needs above my own, just as he did with others. I wanted so much for him to be happy that I didn’t say, ‘Hey, that’s not cool,’ when he leapt over a boundary. And in return, I watched as he allowed every person in his life to overtake his boundaries again and again.
I judged him harshly when he pulled back. I saw beyond his words to his fears of intimacy and blamed him for the way things ended without acknowledging that in many ways he simply reflected a whole raft of my own fears.
I was angry because he didn’t want to let go of control or the way things had always been. But I didn’t see that all I wanted was to control how it would be. I ran from or blocked conversations because I was terrified of rejection and realise now that he was terrified too. We were too fearful to look each other in the eyes, be fully exposed and work it out. So in the end he decided to get in first and reject me before I could reject him. And so he did what I feared most and left.
It’s like a curtain has been pulled away and suddenly I see how responsible I am for the outcomes I’ve created in my own life. It was never really about what he did to me, after all. Instead it was a reflection of me and that’s why it was so painful because it’s hard to face what’s inside of you, those things you try to hide from yourself.
So can you go back? Can you reconnect to that old relationship and make it work a second time around? Yes. I believe it’s possible. In fact, I believe it with my whole heart because when things are meant to be, they will be. And you will be drawn back together because it is right.
But both parties must have done the work to transform themselves in the meantime. They must be prepared to look at themselves honestly and realise the other person was a reflection of them. You were drawn to that person to learn what you needed to learn. So learn the lessons and then, you may come back together and move forward in a completely different and stronger way. Or you may not. The choice is really up to you and them.
by Lucky Lucy | Mar 15, 2015 | Emotional, Inspiration, Life, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Wedding |
‘Thank you for saying yes,’ he said.
I was at the wedding reception for my good friend Jenelyn yesterday and her new husband Adam looked lovingly across at her as he said these words in his speech. It was a precious moment and we all felt honoured to share it with them on their special day.
Jenelyn waited a long time for the right man to come her way and she’s chosen well. She lights up when he is around and now radiates a new level of self-possession and calmness conjured from the magic of knowing she is nurtured and supported to be whoever she desires to be. Adam is the same.
Earlier in the week, my housemate Brad and my friend Meaghan had been discussing relationships and love when I heard Meaghan say, ‘The right one feeds you.’
‘The right person will fill you up.’
As I watched Jenelyn and Adam together, I was reminded of Meaghan’s words and the fundamental truth they held.
When you’re in a relationship with the right person, they fill you up. Their presence in your life will lift your spirit and fill you with light. Of course, there will be hard times and they will inevitably drive you crazy sometimes, but their presence will feed your spirit and you will feed theirs.
That’s just how it works.
Do we forget this vital point when we find ourselves buffeted this way and that in a stormy relationship that diminishes our spirit and makes us feel lesser? I think we do. Lord knows, when I look back at some of my previous relationships it’s clear I had forgotten that imperative for a strong relationship.
The right person will feed me. The right one will fill me with light and help me to shine brightly, just as I am. They will not seek to diminish me; they will help me stand alone in my power and reach all I wish to be. They will be there to catch me when I fall. They will not run from conflict, they will find a way through it so we can grow together.
And I will do the same for them.
It was these thoughts that flooded through my mind yesterday as I watched Jenelyn and Adam exchange their vows and openly express their love for each other. They have found the right one to walk forward with. They have found the one that fills them with light. They have found the one who feeds them.
Whoever you are, I wish the same for you.
by Lucky Lucy | Mar 8, 2015 | break ups, Emotional, Ex, Life, Love, Marriage, Men, Relationships |
Over the past ten years I’ve noticed a trend that doesn’t seem to be diminishing and it’s played on my mind. I’ve tried to twist my perspective this way and that and I still haven’t come up with a definitive answer.
So today I thought I’d write about it and see if you had thoughts to share on the matter.
As a divorced woman in my 40s I’ve watched the relationships of numerous friends and acquaintances break-up. And it’s what has happened next that has me most perplexed.
Invariably the men move on to other relationships quickly while the women generally spend more time in recovery before even dipping their toe in the water again. Most men seem to barely draw breath before launching into something new. They can be emerging from a 10-year relationship or an intense affair and just a few weeks later they’re out there again, ready to repeat the experience. And they do. Within a very short space of time (often weeks or months) they’ll be ensconced in another relationship.
Most women on the other hand seem to take time for more self-reflection. They allow themselves the space to heal and are, often, not the least bit interested in trying on someone new until they’ve sorted through the mess of the old.
When I see this happening time and time again, I find it a little disconcerting.
Is it that men simply don’t need to process what went wrong? Do they truly have the capacity to just compartmentalise their past, stick it in a box and get on with it? Or are women just more inclined to navel-gaze and mull things over for extended periods of time?
As a woman, I can’t claim to know what goes on inside a man’s head when it comes to these things. However I can’t help but think it’s not a healthy pattern to simply go from one relationship into the next without giving yourself the space to think about what went wrong. I also wonder why many men appear to find this type of self-contemplation so hard to do.
Is it that men can’t be alone? Or are they conditioned through our culture and societal expectations that they must have a partner to be considered successful? And so their first thought is they must find someone new and simply forget what came before – they just have to ‘get on with it’ because there are ‘plenty more fish in the sea’.
Now, I’m not advocating that humans are meant to live without companionship. As a wise man once told me, ‘No one really wants to be alone and if they say otherwise they are lying.’ Relationships with other human beings with the accompaniments of companionship, acceptance and physical touch are a vital part of our existence. And like all human beings, I desire that for myself too.
But surely there is more room for the self-awareness that comes from being alone, outside a relationship. And why do most women seem more willing to have that experience and to grant themselves the space to do so?
Are women more adaptable? Can they more easily fill their own inner well? Have many men not been taught how to do this and instead look to have it filled by women?
One of my male friends would tell me it’s all about the male ‘lizard brain’ that is purely motivated by sex and not much else. But I know many women who also value sex highly as a vital way to connect with their partners, so it can’t all be about that.
Like I said at the start of this post, I don’t have an answer to all this. But I do question the behaviour when I see it time and time again. I also know that those emotions that have been shoveled under the carpet will eventually re-surface in a not-so-healthy way in a later relationship and the new partner will have to deal with the male’s unresolved issues from the past.
And, as a woman who’s been on the receiving end of that experience, I have to tell you it’s no fun.
by Lucky Lucy | Jan 30, 2015 | Bad behaviour, Emotional, Love, Men, Relationships |
‘Love doesn’t make sense and it’s just not practical,’ my friend Linda * told me today. We were discussing men, their behaviour and how we (the women!) react to what they do.
It seems to me there were never truer words spoken.
When you love someone it frequently makes no sense at all. It overtakes you, smites your common sense to the curve and blinds you to things you would usually run from. It sneaks up on you and before you know it, you’re in too deep. And the person you’re in love with may be the complete opposite of what you expected. They may not fit the mold or the picture you had in your head. But you will love them anyway.
It’s also incredibly impractical. Falling in love is the worst for this. You’ll find yourself distracted, staring into space with a smile playing across your face as you think of your love. Focus is a distant memory. You’ll have a million things to do and yet you’ll do none of them.
It’s impractical because it isn’t about order or control or being neat and tidy. It brings chaos because you must let go and fall head first, never knowing where you’ll end up. Love is not well-behaved. It will not do what it’s told. And even if you try to run away from it (yes, some people strangely attempt this) it will still find you in the end. Your love will pop into your head when you least expect it.
That’s just what love does.
Love will make you want to forgive behaviour you would never accept from anyone else (this may not be wise or sensible, but still you’ll want to do it). It can make you turn away from all you’ve known to take a chance on an unknown path.
Love makes you throw caution to the wind.
And if that isn’t unsettling enough, love can decimate you. Its departure can bring you to your knees and take you to edge of madness.
So why do we put ourselves through all of this?
Scientists will tell you falling in love is all about pheromones and genetics. I even read today that you can fall in love by staring into someone’s eyes for a certain period of time and asking the right questions.
But I don’t agree. I prefer to think of love as a more cosmic thing. True love is written in the stars and meant to be…whether you plan it or not.
And I will take its nonsensical, impracticality and possible decimation over the nothingness of its absence any day. Because love cracks you open, allows the light into your soul and, even if it’s only for a short time, it lifts you up higher than you could ever have imagined was possible.
I choose love.
by Lucky Lucy | Jan 17, 2015 | Inspiration, Life, Love, Relationships, Self esteem, Sense of self, Writing |
My lovely friend Mandi* recently said she wanted to know herself better but didn’t know where to start. Sometimes she reacted to events in ways she didn’t understand, and didn’t always feel proud of.
‘How can I get in touch with myself?’ she asked. ‘How can I understand myself better?’
Mandi is in her 20s but her questions can arise at any age. She has reached a tipping point in her life where she wants to know more about who she is. She feels brave enough to begin the tentative walk on the path to self-discovery.
So how can she start?
Years ago, a wise woman (my acupuncturist, who I still see today) gifted me a wonderful technique to help me gain clarity about what I really wanted. I was twisted up inside myself, unable to make decisions and move forward. I was a mess.
‘Go somewhere quiet where you feel safe and won’t be interrupted,’ she said. ‘Then simply write at the top of a page, Dear Lucy, What do you want?’ Then write until you cannot write any more, read it aloud to yourself, then destroy it. But don’t edit as you go – you must just write everything that comes to you, without judgement.
What I wrote that day was a revelation. In fact there were many revelations that I didn’t realise (or want to admit) were in my heart. The process helped me connect into me without my brain overlaying its rationalising and judgement. I have used the technique multiple times over the years and it always, always helps me to gain clarity and cut through the murkiness of my thoughts to the truth.
I know I’ve touched on this process before in my blog but I haven’t necessarily focused on the next step, acceptance. Because some (not all) of the things written in your letter will be things you don’t want to deal with. It will be the truth and so often we don’t want to hear that. We don’t want to face that we are miserable living a certain life and need to make changes. We don’t want to face that our perfect relationship (as viewed by others) is hollow. We don’t want to acknowledge that our definition of success and happiness no longer aligns with the expectations of our parents or how we were raised.
We won’t feel comfortable with the knowledge we must make the difficult choices required to transform our lives into what we want them to be.
I judged myself terribly on the contents of that first letter. It made me face so many things about myself that I had been avoiding for years. If I followed my heart, I would have to upset other people and change my life significantly.
Self-judgement was a regular visitor at my door. But eventually (many months later), I realised I could choose to move forward and follow my heart or stay miserable. And that realisation came in a single moment after a lot of torment and telling myself how awful I was to even consider hurting other people, letting them down, and so on.
But once I accepted I could hide from myself no longer, action came to me swiftly. Although it was still painful, I knew I was taking the steps that were right for me.
Opening up to the truth of my heart was the first step.
Acceptance of myself was the second one.
* all names have been changed.
My book editing is nearly done. Just one more read-through and it will be ready for final checking by my editor Kristy. She’s been so patiently waiting and encouraging me over the past few months but I think I gave her a bit of a ‘moment’ in our conversation last week when I said I wanted to rewrite the whole thing.
