by Lucky Lucy | Jan 3, 2015 | break ups, Dating, Emotional, Family, Fear |
A good friend is going through a tough time and when I asked her if she kept a journal she said, ‘No.’
‘Start,’ I said. ‘It will always help.’
I’ve found journaling to be my lifesaver in times of pain and turmoil. It helps me clear my mind, focus and get to truth of things. It’s so easy to lie to ourselves when we turn things over in our minds for days, weeks and months on end. We can argue with ourselves and our ego tells us all kinds of things sometimes to delude us and sometimes to annihilate us.
But when you sit down to write, and you don’t allow yourself to edit your words, the truth always comes out. Often I will surprise myself with what I write.
Journaling and writing in general is my clearing house for the soul. As a writer it helps me process my life and who I am.
It is also good to help me release things that are taking up residence within my body and will eventually cause illness if I don’t let them out. I believe pain and anger can do exactly that – our bodies carry not just our organs but also our beliefs and emotions and these can harm us if not managed properly. In the past, my inability to release those emotions has led to depression and physical ailments.
The past six months have been challenging for me. I’ve lost a beloved pet, supported a close family member through the removal of cancer (and coped with my own fears around that), and been devastated by the inexplicable abandonment of someone I love. There have been good things too but the sometimes the tough things drag you down into the mire.
So I continue writing in my journal and have also started a new book to help me process the most recent happenings in my life. I don’t know if it will ever see the light of day. Perhaps I am just writing this one just for me. But write it I must. And it is through that writing that I will be able to move forward, somehow, to a place where I can have a little more peace.
by Lucky Lucy | Sep 3, 2014 | break ups, Instincts, Life, Personal power, Relationships, Self esteem |
Following on from my last blog, a friend asked how did I get to the point where I was strong enough to trust myself, know that I could make good decisions and then do what I knew was best for me…regardless of how unpopular it might make me.
I can’t say it happened overnight. It was more of an evolutionary process and the breakdown of my marriage was certainly part of it. I had a moment when the Universe sent me a very clear message that there was something wrong with the life I had created. Forces out of my control made me realise, ‘Hang on. Something is not right here.’
After my wake-up call I had to face parts of myself that I’d been pushing down for a long time. I’d been squashing them down because I’d been so worried about doing the right thing, being seen as the good person and never really believing that I knew what was best for me.
It should be noted that I resisted what I call the ‘face up to yourself’ process. After all, why would you want to face something that’s going to turn your whole life upside down?
But nevertheless, eventually, I had to look myself in the eye in the bathroom mirror and face who I really was. I no longer wanted the things I used to want. There was more to me than I thought. Who knew?
Then I had to accept the parts of me I knew might be unpopular with others. I had to accept that other people might not agree that I knew what was best for me. I had to let go of my fear of stuffing up, not being responsible and so on.
I also had to accept myself wholly and completely, including my flaws and weaknesses (I’m still working on this one).
Then after a long struggle (I was very, very hard on myself) I gave myself permission to make the decisions I knew were best for me. In this example, that meant leaving my marriage.
A few years have passed now and every year I get better at the whole trusting myself and my own decisions thing. I’m more in touch with my intuition than ever before and I’m not afraid to say, ‘No, this isn’t for me,’ and walk away from situations that others would put up with to ‘keep the peace’. I’m really not interested in keeping the peace at my own expense anymore. I just don’t see the point.
So I guess the short answer to my friend’s question is, firstly I was honest with myself about who I was and what I really wanted. Secondly, I accepted myself. Thirdly, I trusted myself to make good decisions and realised that I had to do what was best for me. And finally, I made decisions and took the actions I needed to take and dealt with the unpopularity that ensued.
In a nutshell, I realised that the right decisions for me might also make me unpopular.
But I was okay with that.
by Lucky Lucy | Aug 28, 2014 | break ups, Dreams, Family, Fear, Inspiration, Life, Personal power |
Image – soundfit.net
Nearly a decade ago I made a decision that upset a lot of people. I ended my marriage.
My husband Daniel was, and is, a good man. He was reliable, goodlooking, caring, funny and the kind of man everyone loved.
Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, I stopped loving him. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t recover those feelings. They were gone and so eventually I accepted my marriage was over.
My decision to leave wasn’t popular in a lot of quarters.
Some of my friends were incredulous and even scornful. How could I consider leaving? Daniel was, in their eyes, the perfect man. I must be out of my mind.
Some of my family members were angry, upset and believed for years afterwards that I would live to regret my decision.
But I haven’t.
Leaving the home Daniel and I shared was incredibly difficult. But I knew then, as I know now, that it was what I needed to do for me. I couldn’t stay there anymore and be true to myself. I had a right to be happy and my heart was telling me very clearly that it was time to go.
Dealing with the disappointment, anger and judgement of others in that kind of situation can be hard. You need to have faith in yourself and be truly connected to what is best for you.
Sometimes other people won’t be supportive because your behaviour doesn’t align with what they want, expect or believe is right.
But you can’t let that stand in your way.
Living your life to only make others happy will only make you miserable. You have a right to be happy too.
Sometimes it will feel like being true to yourself just makes you unpopular. And you know what, it might. But the alternative is hardly an option. After all, do you want to live the life you want? Don’t you have a right to do that?
Living your life to make others happy at your own expense is actually kind of nuts. They get everything they want and you get…nothing?
I never set out to hurt anyone. And it caused me a lot of pain to see the people I cared about (including my husband) in pain. But I knew I had to go because that was best for me. Staying would keep others happy but leave me miserable.
And that’s not what life is about.
We must always be true to ourselves. So be brave my friends and live the life that is best for you. Trust your own judgement and don’t live in fear of the censure of others.
Your heart wants you to fly…so don’t lock yourself in a cage that’s been created by and for others.
It’s really not worth it.
by Lucky Lucy | May 8, 2014 | Bad behaviour, break ups, Emotional, Life, Personal power, Self esteem |
Choice or circumstance?
A friend of mine has got himself into a bit of a pickle. He’s in a job where he no longer wants to be but the pressures and expectations of family are keeping him stuck there.
He can see a world of opportunities are open to him if he just says what he wants. But he can’t. He is stuck in circumstances and doesn’t know how to get out.
Has this happened to you?
There have been times in my life when I have not spoken my truth; when I have not grasped the opportunities in front of me because of fear of what others would say. It never led to a happy life.
Too often I would blame other influences for the situation I found myself in.
“I’m a good person. I didn’t sign up for this.
“I deserve more than this,” I’d say.
I would expect someone, somewhere, to step up and rescue me from my circumstances. But this rarely happened.
Instead I would be slowly but surely beaten down until I was broken and lost. I would build up all the pain and hurt inside me or push it under the nearest carpet where it would expand each day – just waiting to erupt like a volcano.
When I look back at my most difficult times, I realise that no one ever told me I had a choice. And for some reason I didn’t realise it myself.
I didn’t realise that while I may not have chosen my circumstances, I did have a choice about getting out of them. I didn’t have to be miserable so other people could be happy.
I could choose to walk away from a situation, to quit a job or say quietly but firmly, “No” to whatever was bringing me down.
I didn’t always realise that it was okay for me to be happy. Ensuring other people are comfortable at my emotional expense was no life. It was okay to be true to myself and just walk away.
I’m a little older and wiser these days.
I’ve also learned that we cannot control our lives – I know that to be true. We will sometimes find ourselves in difficult circumstances that are not our fault and will make us unhappy. But that’s when we get to make a choice.
We can choose to remain a victim of our circumstances or we can choose a different way.
We can set up boundaries with those family members who try to take advantage of us. We can say no to that lover or friend who no longer respects us. We can start looking for a job and resign when we realise our employer is just a bully.
We can make space for ourselves and be true to us. And in doing so, we will be doing what is necessary to make the world a better place – a place where everyone can be themselves.
by Lucky Lucy | Jan 3, 2013 | break ups, Ex, Men |
An Ex came to my house for a visit a couple of months ago. And when I asked him why he’d come, he said he was worried I might be out there in the world hating him.
So he’d come in person to see if his worries were warranted.
‘I’ve never hated you,’ I said.
‘I’m not sure if I’ve ever really hated anyone.
‘Do many people in the world hate you?’
He made some non-committal sound in the back of his throat.
‘It must have come pretty close,’ he said.
‘Well. You did a lot of damage when you were here.
And I was very hurt and very angry for a long time,’ I admitted.
‘But I didn’t hate you. Never that.
‘It’s not really my style, you see.
‘And I don’t really think I have a malicious bone in my body anyway.’
He smiled when I said that, as if he didn’t quite believe me.
And I suppose, given the right circumstances, he was right to doubt me. I’m human and we all have a dark side. So I daresay I could hate him and live on malice if I chose.
And I’m sure in the distant past I was occasionally malicious on purpose (teenagers are particularly good at this).
But I don’t think I’ve ever really hated anyone.
And these days I certainly don’t see the point.
Instead I choose to get angry, fight fair, be passionate and always speak my truth, even when it makes other people uncomfortable.
But hate and malice are a waste of my time because they lead nowhere.
They don’t help me to feel better about myself.
And they don’t help me to move forward.
So even though my Ex hurt me terribly, because he couldn’t or wouldn’t be the man I wanted him to be, I don’t hate him.
Instead, I’ve chosen to lick my wounds, flounder around in the pain (a lot), heal the best way I can, and then try to let it all go.
Does that make me unusual? I’m not sure.
But I guess that’s just how I roll.
by Lucky Lucy | Jul 16, 2012 | break ups, Dating, Emotional, Men, sex |
Break-ups are never easy. And for the most part, they are never truly mutual. One person always wants to move on before the other one is ready. You might smile and say, ‘Of course, it’s your decision and I understand,’ but you’ll be lying.
And most of us also really do see the break-up asteroid before it slams into our chest and splits us apart.
I’ve survived a few-breakups and there are always signs. Sometimes they’re obvious, sometimes they’re subtle, but they are always there.
The object of your affection starts to pull away ever so slightly. You’ll be half way through a sentence and suddenly he’ll be talking about a completely different subject, as if he wasn’t listening to you at all.
He won’t really ask you questions about your day or what you think. The conversation doesn’t bubble merrily…it kind of gurgles near a drain. You may wonder why he’s gone quiet but, generously, you’ll assume he’s just gone into the ‘man cave’ to think for a while, so you give him space.
Seeing you naked appears to be a little less interesting than it was previously. Hugging and just hanging out becomes the preferred option.
I used to know a break-up was approaching when they turned away from me to sleep. Everything would be fine, the sex would be great and then I would be presented with their back and they’d doze off. Such a subtle thing but it always resulted in the same outcome.
Sometimes he’ll start using the ‘too’ word. You’re too melodramatic, you’re too sexual, you’re too over the top, you’re too emotional, you’re too affectionate, you’re too…you. Don’t kid yourself ladies; when they use the ‘too’ they’re creating distance and usually identifying the nearest exits.
I remember one man knocking on the door and kissing me hello like everything was fine. But when I stood back to let him walk down the hallway I looked up at his face and, for a moment, he looked like a stranger. It was weird and perhaps just a trick of the light. But he broke up with me a couple of hours later and I think he’d already decided before he came through the door.
The reasons men give for a break-up can be extremely painful to hear and sometimes, just plain laughable (these require a whole blog post of their own).
But then you start your recovery.
I’ve used some or all of the following to help me through break-ups. Some of them are incredibly unoriginal but you may still find them useful.
- Have a good cry while sitting on the floor. Inevitably, in times of great anguish, it seems natural to be as close to ground as possible. When ready, you can progress to sobbing in the foetal position on your bed and later, sobbing while sitting on the couch watching girlie DVDs.
- Spoon a large amount of chocolate ice-cream plus chocolate sauce and cream (if you have it) into an extremely large bowl (feel free to use the ice-cream container as your bowl); put Bridget Jones’ Diaryinto the DVD player and ensure tissues are nearby.Follow this with DVDs such as Bridget Jones: Age of Reason, any romantic comedy featuring Meg Ryan, Dirty Dancing and the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice.
Repeat Step 2 as required.
- Try to leave the house occasionally and exercise. It is harder to feel depressed when you’re in the sunlight. However, seeing couples holding hands and stepping in unison can push your recovery back a little. Fill your pockets with tissues, just in case.
- Listen to empowering songs. My current favourites are Wide Awake (Katy Perry) and Undefeated (Jake Dorulla). If you’re feeling really dark (and perhaps a little angry) basically anything from Jagged Little Pill (Alanis Morissette) works well.
- Make a list of the all the things that annoyed you about X (insert his name here). You’ll be surprised how many you can come up with.This is a great exercise because it forces you to acknowledge there were things you didn’t like. No one is perfect. He definitely isn’t perfect. DO NOT send him the list.
- Write X a letter telling him how you feel but DO NOT SEND IT TO HIM. Shred the letter, burn it or flush it down the toilet.You may need to write this letter several times.
- Try to ignore that little spark of hope in your heart. You know what I mean. It’s the naïve hope that he will realise what a stupid, stupid decision he’s made and will rush back through your door any moment, sweep you into his arms and it will all work out.
- Don’t be the ‘nice’ girl and say, ‘Sure I can stay in touch and be just friends,’ because YOU CAN’T! You’re not impartial, even if he is.He has basically stabbed you in the heart and you need recovery time. Think of it as if you’ve just had heart surgery…no one would expect you to run a marathon two days later.You may be ‘just friends’ later but you can’t do it right now. Besides he’ll find it hard to be friends with someone who wants to alternately kiss him, rip his clothes off and/or punch him in the nose. You will want to do all those things.
- Hang out with your wonderful girlfriends. They will give you hugs, listen to your break up story (repeatedly), tell you how fabulous you are and say that he is not worth your tears because he walked away.
- You may have thought X was wonderful, but he left.Maybe it was a timing thing or maybe there is someone far more fabulous around the corner. Trust that fate has better plans for you.Look forward, not behind you. You will be okay. Eventually.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to my couch to repeat Step 2.
Break-ups really do suck.
A good friend is going through a tough time and when I asked her if she kept a journal she said, ‘No.’
