by Lucky Lucy | Dec 1, 2013 | Bad behaviour, cringe, Dating, Emotional, Inappropriate male behaviour, Love, Men, Relationships |
A couple of months ago my friend Deanna* suggested I try a dating website her friends were using.
As most of you know, my previous online dating adventures haven’t ended well (see http://wp.me/pirqj-1m for the time I fled out the back door of a restaurant to escape my date). So I understandably reticent.
But Deanna* said her friends were actually scoring some good quality dates so I thought, “What the heck!”
I registered, drafted a few sentences for my profile, answered some questions and uploaded my photo.
The deed was done and I sat back to await contact from men who were ‘good quality dating material’.
The site automatically matches you with suitable partners. Well, that’s what they claim. I can’t say that I saw much evidence of it.
Within a day I’d received messages from a few men saying, “Hello!”
Well, sort of.
The messages were not so much “hello” as bad corny pick up lines and some really inappropriate comments.
Some of the highlights (and I use that term very loosely) were, “Hi queen, i think my eyes are stuck..cos i just can’t get em off you…” and “howdy there ma’am…how is thou doin?”
The lowlight was the man calling himself Tofu… who greeted me with “omg can I totally suck ur toes please…”
Ewwwww!!!
There were also approaches from men looking for polyamorous relationships. I have no idea what part of my profile indicated that I’d like to join their private harems.
And the things other men said they’d like to do on public transport were quite obscene.
There were messages from some men who appeared to be relatively normal. Donny* mentioned he needed a ‘sleep fan’ to sleep at night. But when I asked, “Wouldn’t that just give you a head cold all year round?” he didn’t respond.
I’m guessing I blew my chances by being a little cheeky (my sincere apologies to all the sleep fan devotees out there).
After a few weeks it seemed that Donny was the best of the lot.
There were other men who sent messages but it was clear from their profiles that we had little in common so I didn’t respond.
One of these guys, Mickey*, was only 24 years old. I didn’t respond because I’d made it clear that my preferred age group was 34+. I figured, why waste time for both of us and he clearly didn’t read my profile.
Anyway, evidently he got sick of waiting for a response or somehow knew that I’d deleted his message because, two days later Mickey sent me a one-word email. It just said, “bitc!h”.
I guess we know why he’s single.
I deactivated my profile the next day.
My score for quality dates was zero. But the site did provide me with some amusement, so it wasn’t a total waste of time.
My search for love continues…and no, you cannot suck my toes.
by Lucky Lucy | May 23, 2013 | Bad behaviour, Dating, Ex, Inappropriate male behaviour, Relationships |
I had an ex flashback this week. There I was, minding my own business when I looked up and wham! there he was.
Well, it wasn’t actually my ex Gerry. But for a moment my heart stopped because this guy looked just like him.
After my brain registered that it wasn’t him and my heart started beating again, I found myself thinking about Gerry and the connection we had.
It was one of those highly sexual connections where quite frankly, we could have ripped each other’s clothes off at any moment. But sadly, possibly because he forgot to mention he had a girlfriend, our relationship didn’t quite work out the way I hoped.
In hindsight, this was probably a good thing.
I’ve been single for a while now and the Gerry story is not the only negative male-related scenario I’ve come across. In fact, my whole book (The Men I’ve Almost Dated – currently being edited) covers the bizarre and often dysfunctional behaviour I’ve witnessed on the dating scene.
Unfortunately, these experiences have had a rather nasty side effect for me. I now find myself being just a little too cautious and often a little too defensive around men. In fact, sometimes I’m so busy playing defense that I forget to open the door and let the good ones in.
I was out last night and I did exactly that with a man who definitely has possibilities. I shut him down. I was just a little too much of a smart-mouth. It was reflex thing and I’m not exactly proud of it. But hey, like most people, I am a product of my experience so I’m not going to beat myself up about it too much.
Instead I’ve decided to change course and try a different tack.
So tonight I’ve made contact and opened the door just a little so he can walk through it.
Who knows, he could turn out to be rather fabulous. I’ll just have to trust that he’s not another Gerry and wait and see what happens next.
Wish me luck.
by Lucky Lucy | Mar 11, 2013 | Bad behaviour, Ex, Instincts, Men, Relationships |
A few years ago I found myself in a particularly dysfunctional relationship.
I guess you could say I decided to deal with all my bad boy issues in one hit.
It lasted for a few months and during that time my idea of normal relationship behaviour became a bit skewed.
And when I look back now, I can see that clearly.
But at the time, I thought it was normal. I thought it was okay.
Jamie* had a range of issues, including drugs.
When I started seeing him, he said he wasn’t into that kind of thing anymore. And I believed him.
But Jamie was lying. Or perhaps he was straight for the first part of our relationship and then relapsed.
Either way, his behaviour rapidly became the opposite of normal.
He worked away sometimes so we spent a lot of time talking on the phone. Some nights it was like talking to a stranger; a stranger who wasn’t very nice.
But he always apologised the next day so we worked through it. I worked through it.
Sometimes he would tell me stories to deliberately scare me or make me worry. He was even transparent about it and once said he liked hearing that sound of worry and panic in my voice.
And yet I stayed with him.
I’d tell friends what was happening and some of my stories were so far from normal I can’t believe they stopped themselves from physically shaking me and yelling, “What the hell are you doing?? Run!!!”
Eventually Jamie broke my heart – what a surprise…not.
And it took me a long time to recover. It was a toxic relationship and definitely not healthy/normal.
I was lucky to get out as easily as I did.
I’ve met a lot of women whose idea of a normal relationship has become warped because they’ve stayed too long with a dysfunctional partner.
I’ve watched too many friends disappear and be replaced by women who think the most unacceptable behaviour is acceptable…and normal.
And these types of relationships don’t just affect my social group.
I met a woman called Jamillia* recently who told me the story of her ex, his alcoholism and how she eventually walked away because she needed to do what was best for her.
Then she told me about his threat to kill her if she dated anyone else. She said it was, of course, just a joke.
Jamillia* had spent so long in a dysfunctional and toxic relationship that she couldn’t or didn’t want to see his comment clearly for what it was.
I asked her if ‘normal’ people generally make threats to kill others.
She stopped and thought about my question for a few moments and said…no. And then she decided to manage all contact with her ex a little more carefully.
Jamillia’s experience is pretty extreme and of course there are lots of healthy relationships out there.
But sometimes smart women find themselves in relationships that develop into something that is not healthy, and not normal.
And it is one area of our lives where we need to be vigilant.
*All names have been changed.
by Lucky Lucy | Dec 17, 2012 | Bad behaviour, Dating, Men |
Last week a man said something to me that no man should ever say to a single woman.
He said he’d heard I was ‘having trouble finding someone because I was too picky.’
Oh. My. God. Are you freaking kidding me?
As a red mist descended on my brow and I struggled with an almost overwhelming desire to punch him in the nose, I responded with a lofty, ‘No, I’m not picky. I just have standards.’
The look on my face must have said it all because he changed the subject shortly afterwards.
As I drove home that night I was still feeling pretty annoyed by his comment.
What one earth possessed him to say something so stupid and let’s face it, kind of offensive? Do I come across as a woman who is desperately searching for a mate but is frivolously turning them away my door because I don’t like the colour of their shoes?
And how can you be too picky anyway?
If a man asks me out, and I don’t find him attractive (physically and/or mentally), then I say no. To do anything else would be dishonest and wasting time for him and I.
I don’t want to be with someone just so I’m not alone.
I want to date people who are funny, smart and attractive…to me. Is that the definition of picky these days?
I’m 40 years old. I’m self-reliant and I can make enough money to support myself.
I have a wide circle of fabulous friends, a family who loves me and a great social life.
I have a home where I feel safe and nurtured, and it’s a space where I can be me, be creative and relax.
Why would I want to share that with someone who is the wrong someone?
It makes no sense to me.
I guess I am picky after all.
But I’m okay with that.
(And PS., based on my track record, maybe I’m just not being picky enough!).
by Lucky Lucy | May 13, 2012 | Bad behaviour, Men |
I went to a party last week and met a man who flirted with me. He was kind of cute so I flirted back. After all, why not!
He (let’s call him Larry) spent a lot time looking intensely into my eyes and letting me know I had his full attention. You know the type.
Larry seemed interested and interesting. And I even looked up a couple of times during the evening to find him watching me from the other side of the room.
It all seemed rather promising.
Although we went our separate ways at the end of the night we both knew that we would see each other at similar events in the future. He’d even made a point of confirming that with me.
I have to confess that I was intrigued so I did a little cyber-research during the week and made some discreet enquiries with mutual acquaintances.
My findings weren’t very encouraging and I concluded that Larry was either in a long-term relationship or had recently ended one.
But, I decided to keep an open mind and see what happened next.
A couple of days ago I walked into another party and Larry was there with his girlfriend. It was obvious they were still together.
In a rare moment of maturity I decided to dismiss last week’s episode as just one of those miscommunications men and women experience sometimes.
So, when I found myself in their vicinity an hour later I simply smiled hello.
And he blanked me. No smile, no nothing, just a blank look.
That’s right. Larry acted like we had never met.
Now in our social scene it’s not unusual to meet people of the opposite sex and talk to them. I mean that can happen just about anywhere right?
So his girlfriend wouldn’t have been surprised that he knew someone she hadn’t met.
And I’m pretty sure that my face and body have not changed significantly since last week.
But nevertheless he blanked me.
It was un-freaking believable.
Surely good manners alone would have dictated that he at the very least give a small smile in return and then turn away?
For goodness sakes, when someone smiles at you in any public place smiling back is a pretty normal, civilised response (unless the person looks like a complete psycho).
But, I guess my expectations were too high.
I saw Larry again later in the day and we exchanged an inconsequential pleasantry or two before moving on. I initiated the exchange because we were standing side by side in a line at the time and it would have been ridiculous to not acknowledge each other.
You may wonder what I have learned from this experience. Well, I think there are a number of possible conclusions:
- I didn’t really meet Larry last week. I simply met a man who looks like him and has his name.
- Larry’s girlfriend is a psycho who does not let him acknowledge strange women in public. (Unlikely)
- Larry thinks he probably crossed some line when he flirted with me last week and was terrified that I was going to follow up my smile with a love serenade.
- Larry never flirted with me at all…I am just delusional.
- I am a psycho.
- Larry forgot my name and was terrified that I would box his ears if he admitted it.
- I possess a fatal attraction for men who already have partners. (Likely)
- Larry lacks social skills.
I’ll let you make your own assessment.
A couple of months ago my friend Deanna* suggested I try a dating website her friends were using.