Men, Errors of Judgement and Listening to my Intuition

my brainI’m the final throes of editing my first-ever book. It’s a memoir about my 30s and all the crazy men-related experiences I had during that time. As I sift through the final edits, I’m constantly reminded of how far I’ve come in learning to trust myself and my own judgement. It’s been a long road.

Mine is the story of a woman who, around the age of 30, begins to feel and finally listen to the inner voice inside her. It’s a voice that says, you’re on the wrong road and you need to make some serious changes. My story continues with what, in hindsight, seems like the ‘what not to do’ when it comes to life, men and relationships. As I re-read the anecdotes, I revisit a roller coaster of highs and lows that somehow I emerge from (with a little dignity intact) and I keep going. Some of the stories are so odd that I can hardly believe they happened. Yet they did. Some of my behaviour was quite odd. Yet I did it all.

I was a woman on a journey of self-discovery that has brought me to this very moment in time.

What is most obvious to me is how much I’ve grew through those experiences and how much more I trust myself because of those things I went through. I’ve gone from being a 20-something judgemental, naive and very analytically-focused woman to the 40-something I am now. But I had to go through all those things in the middle to get here.

Nowadays I’m not so judgemental because I’m no longer so hard on myself. I’ve realised that we all make mistakes and life is never black and white; it’s all the colours of the rainbow. I’ve done some things I’m not particularly proud of, but I own them all because they’ve made me who I am.

Somewhere along the way I’ve also decided to trust that voice inside me, my intuitive inner guidance system that always has my back. It’s a voice I ignored a lot in my early life and certainly, when dealing with men, I tried to drown it out with rationalisation and kind excuses (kind to men, that is). These days my intuition is something I use every day to keep me on track in all kinds of ways. I also use my rational brain and reasoning too, but that’s not all I rely on anymore. Like many people, my brain can rationalise almost anything if I let it while my intuition always cuts through to the truth of the matter…if I’m brave enough to listen to it.

My intuition can’t necessarily stop me being hurt. But it can warn me when that event is likely. It also helps me see things for what they are and not what I’d like them to be. My brain and its very passionate friend my Ego are rather clever at pulling the wool over my eyes.

So I’m grateful for all the craziness, ill-advised decision-making and random events of my 30s because they’ve brought me to this moment in time. They’ve taught me so much about who I am and who I wish to be. And most of all they’ve brought me to a point in my life when I have learned to trust me. What greater gift could there be, than that?

If you’d like to learn more about connecting to your own intuition, check out my next Nights for Spiritual Beginners – Introductory Course beginning in Brisbane on 19 August 2015. More information is available at http://lucyandlife.com/a-night-for-spiritual-beginners/

Love…it’s just not practical

Love‘Love doesn’t make sense and it’s just not practical,’ my friend Linda * told me today. We were discussing men, their behaviour and how we (the women!) react to what they do.

It seems to me there were never truer words spoken.

When you love someone it frequently makes no sense at all. It overtakes you, smites your common sense to the curve and blinds you to things you would usually run from. It sneaks up on you and before you know it, you’re in too deep. And the person you’re in love with may be the complete opposite of what you expected. They may not fit the mold or the picture you had in your head. But you will love them anyway.

It’s also incredibly impractical. Falling in love is the worst for this. You’ll find yourself distracted, staring into space with a smile playing across your face as you think of your love. Focus is a distant memory. You’ll have a million things to do and yet you’ll do none of them.

It’s impractical because it isn’t about order or control or being neat and tidy. It brings chaos because you must let go and fall head first, never knowing where you’ll end up. Love is not well-behaved. It will not do what it’s told. And even if you try to run away from it (yes, some people strangely attempt this) it will still find you in the end. Your love will pop into your head when you least expect it.

That’s just what love does.

Love will make you want to forgive behaviour you would never accept from anyone else (this may not be wise or sensible, but still you’ll want to do it). It can make you turn away from all you’ve known to take a chance on an unknown path.

Love makes you throw caution to the wind.

And if that isn’t unsettling enough, love can decimate you. Its departure can bring you to your knees and take you to edge of madness.

So why do we put ourselves through all of this?

Scientists will tell you falling in love is all about pheromones and genetics. I even read today that you can fall in love by staring into someone’s eyes for a certain period of time and asking the right questions.

But I don’t agree. I prefer to think of love as a more cosmic thing. True love is written in the stars and meant to be…whether you plan it or not.

And I will take its nonsensical, impracticality and possible decimation over the nothingness of its absence any day. Because love cracks you open, allows the light into your soul and, even if it’s only for a short time, it lifts you up higher than you could ever have imagined was possible.

I choose love.

Is it time to forgive yourself?

RegretI don’t think anyone on this planet can truly say they have lived a perfect and blameless life. We have all, every single one of us, done or said things we have regretted and even tried to pretend they never happened.

Unfortunately, those things we try to forget, lurk there in the back of our minds and rear their ugly heads when we least expect it. And then we torment ourselves with guilt or disappointment that we didn’t behave better at the time.

Worse still is when we confess our ‘sin’ to someone we care about and hope they won’t judge or think less of us in return.

But it’s at that moment that things can get interesting. Because if that person truly loves you as a friend, a lover or family member, they won’t judge you at all and they won’t think less of you either. Instead they will accept you as you are; a human being with weaknesses, frailties and emotions.

And in that moment you will realise that you should forgive yourself for the wrongs you believe you’ve done. Because those things can’t be undone, no matter how much you’d like them to be, and tormenting yourself is wasteful of your energy. Instead, forgive yourself and resolve to learn from your mistakes, not flagellate yourself for them.

After all, as I often tell my students, you will learn more from getting it wrong than you will ever learn from getting it right. And life is too short to carry all that guilt with you.

Are you shouting at the moon?

Image - nelskii.deviantart.com

Image – nelskii.deviantart.com

Someone once suggested that, when I’m feeling frustrated and lost, I tend to shout and rail at the moon.

I have to confess they were 100 percent right.

When I feel like I’ve given everything in a situation and it still doesn’t work out, I have been known to shout at the moon and ask, “Why?! What else do you want from me? What else do I have to do to make this work?”

Sometimes life is like that. We feel like we’ve tried our hardest and given it our best shot. But all we end up with is disappointment and discontent.

Of course, shouting at the moon doesn’t change anything. And it only makes you feel better for a short period of time. So I’ve been trying to train myself out of the habit and I think I’m getting better.

A good friend gave me some really great advice on how to take a more constructive approach. “Step back,” she said. “Step back and try to see the bigger picture. Maybe there’s something you’re missing or you need to take a completely different approach?”

It sounds so bloody obvious, doesn’t it?

I implemented her advice the other day and, surprise, surprise, it worked. Suddenly I realised there were other things I could do and other directions I could follow that would help me get where I wanted to go.

It was a revelation.

I haven’t fully resolved the situation yet, but I’m definitely on the right track now.

Gaining perspective when you’re in a situation you don’t like can be really difficult. But my friend was so right.

Sometimes you just need to step back and look at things differently. Don’t just look into the problem. Look around it, above it and below it. Turn it on it’s head if you have to.

After all, if your current approach isn’t working…you probably need to do something differently.

Is it time to hand up your problems to the Universe to solve?

Image - emilysquotes.com

Image – emilysquotes.com

I have a good friend who often says, “When it gets too much and I don’t know what to do, I just hand it up and let the Universe take care of it.”

Man, I have such wise friends.

Sometimes we spend so much time worrying and thinking about what we should do, think or achieve that we completely lose sight of life and the path we should be treading. And we make things so much more stressful and complicated than they need to be.

Example number one: Me. A while ago I had worked myself up into quite a state about something. I didn’t know what to do and was worrying myself silly.

“What should I do? What should I do?” I kept asking myself as I paced around the house.

The more I paced, the more stressed out I became (did I mention I’m a bit of an over-thinker?) and it wasn’t getting me anywhere.

After 10-15 minutes of this craziness I stopped, looked up and simply said, “Tell me what to do.” In that moment I just handed it up to the Universe because I realised my current approach was getting me absolutely nowhere.

I let all the worry go while I waited for an answer. I stopped trying to figure it all out on my own. The answer wasn’t in me. I needed to make room to allow it to arrive.

So I handed it up.

A few minutes later, the solution to my problem popped into my head. Suddenly I knew exactly what to do and it was so simple. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it earlier. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it months ago.

I’m constantly surprised at how much simpler things are when I just let go and trust that the way will be made clear. I guess you could say I’m a bit of a slow learner in that department.

Anyway, I implemented the solution and things were soon back on track again. And I feel much calmer and happier.

It was just another reminder that sometimes I need to get out of my own way. Sometimes we just need to let go, hand it all up to the Universe and wait for the answers to arrive.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are you choosing your life?

Choice or circumstance?

Choice or circumstance?

A friend of mine has got himself into a bit of a pickle. He’s in a job where he no longer wants to be but the pressures and expectations of family are keeping him stuck there.

He can see a world of opportunities are open to him if he just says what he wants. But he can’t. He is stuck in circumstances and doesn’t know how to get out.

Has this happened to you?

There have been times in my life when I have not spoken my truth; when I have not grasped the opportunities in front of me because of fear of what others would say. It never led to a happy life.

Too often I would blame other influences for the situation I found myself in.

“I’m a good person. I didn’t sign up for this.

“I deserve more than this,” I’d say.

I would expect someone, somewhere, to step up and rescue me from my circumstances. But this rarely happened.

Instead I would be slowly but surely beaten down until I was broken and lost. I would build up all the pain and hurt inside me or push it under the nearest carpet where it would expand each day – just waiting to erupt like a volcano.

When I look back at my most difficult times, I realise that no one ever told me I had a choice. And for some reason I didn’t realise it myself.

I didn’t realise that while I may not have chosen my circumstances, I did have a choice about getting out of them. I didn’t have to be miserable so other people could be happy.

I could choose to walk away from a situation, to quit a job or say quietly but firmly, “No” to whatever was bringing me down.

I didn’t always realise that it was okay for me to be happy. Ensuring other people are comfortable at my emotional expense was no life. It was okay to be true to myself and just walk away.

I’m a little older and wiser these days.

I’ve also learned that we cannot control our lives – I know that to be true. We will sometimes find ourselves in difficult circumstances that are not our fault and will make us unhappy. But that’s when we get to make a choice.

We can choose to remain a victim of our circumstances or we can choose a different way.

We can set up boundaries with those family members who try to take advantage of us. We can say no to that lover or friend who no longer respects us. We can start looking for a job and resign when we realise our employer is just a bully.

We can make space for ourselves and be true to us. And in doing so, we will be doing what is necessary to make the world a better place – a place where everyone can be themselves.