by Lucky Lucy | Mar 11, 2013 | Bad behaviour, Ex, Instincts, Men, Relationships |
A few years ago I found myself in a particularly dysfunctional relationship.
I guess you could say I decided to deal with all my bad boy issues in one hit.
It lasted for a few months and during that time my idea of normal relationship behaviour became a bit skewed.
And when I look back now, I can see that clearly.
But at the time, I thought it was normal. I thought it was okay.
Jamie* had a range of issues, including drugs.
When I started seeing him, he said he wasn’t into that kind of thing anymore. And I believed him.
But Jamie was lying. Or perhaps he was straight for the first part of our relationship and then relapsed.
Either way, his behaviour rapidly became the opposite of normal.
He worked away sometimes so we spent a lot of time talking on the phone. Some nights it was like talking to a stranger; a stranger who wasn’t very nice.
But he always apologised the next day so we worked through it. I worked through it.
Sometimes he would tell me stories to deliberately scare me or make me worry. He was even transparent about it and once said he liked hearing that sound of worry and panic in my voice.
And yet I stayed with him.
I’d tell friends what was happening and some of my stories were so far from normal I can’t believe they stopped themselves from physically shaking me and yelling, “What the hell are you doing?? Run!!!”
Eventually Jamie broke my heart – what a surprise…not.
And it took me a long time to recover. It was a toxic relationship and definitely not healthy/normal.
I was lucky to get out as easily as I did.
I’ve met a lot of women whose idea of a normal relationship has become warped because they’ve stayed too long with a dysfunctional partner.
I’ve watched too many friends disappear and be replaced by women who think the most unacceptable behaviour is acceptable…and normal.
And these types of relationships don’t just affect my social group.
I met a woman called Jamillia* recently who told me the story of her ex, his alcoholism and how she eventually walked away because she needed to do what was best for her.
Then she told me about his threat to kill her if she dated anyone else. She said it was, of course, just a joke.
Jamillia* had spent so long in a dysfunctional and toxic relationship that she couldn’t or didn’t want to see his comment clearly for what it was.
I asked her if ‘normal’ people generally make threats to kill others.
She stopped and thought about my question for a few moments and said…no. And then she decided to manage all contact with her ex a little more carefully.
Jamillia’s experience is pretty extreme and of course there are lots of healthy relationships out there.
But sometimes smart women find themselves in relationships that develop into something that is not healthy, and not normal.
And it is one area of our lives where we need to be vigilant.
*All names have been changed.
by Lucky Lucy | Nov 25, 2012 | Fear, Instincts, Travelling |
A few years ago I was on a work trip out west when I began to feel very unsafe.
I’d had a difference of opinion with my colleague earlier in the day and, although I’d tried to calm the situation down, it flared up again while we driving to the next town.
It’s not pleasant when you’re stuck in a vehicle with someone who’s swearing at you.
And then things got more uncomfortable.
It was just me and him in a truck at night when he pulled off the main road and drove down a side track.
He said something about there being a lake nearby and he was, ‘just going to have a cigarette’.
We were in the middle of nowhere. There was no lights, no traffic, nothing.
I can remember keeping pace with him on the other side of the truck when he got out because I didn’t want him to jump back in, drive off and leave me there.
Did I mention he was more than twice my size?
Fortunately, I guess after he thought he’d freaked me out enough, we got back into the truck and arrived at our motel about thirty minutes later.
I can remember being in my room thinking, ‘Holy crap! How am I going to cope tomorrow?’
I had no mobile coverage and my colleague had the satellite phone.
The next day over breakfast he made a comment that completely freaked me out. And I felt very, very unsafe.
I was a long way from home and surrounded by strangers.
I didn’t know what to do.
Thoughts buzzed around in my head and I wondered if I was just misconstruing his comments.
And then my instincts kicked in.
I asked if I could borrow the satellite phone so I could check in with my boss back in Brisbane. He said, ‘sure’, and we agreed to meet in a few minutes at the hall where our workshop would be held.
I’d noticed a small tour group in the restaurant and, after my colleague left the room, I approached one of the guides, asked for a lift back east and promptly burst into tears.
That tour guide (Dave*) and his partner (Jane*) were absolutely wonderful. They were so kind to this emotional, fearful and slightly incoherent woman.
Dave helped me retrieve my bags from the truck and stayed with me while I told my colleague I had an emergency back home and needed to leave.
I rang my boss and told her what was happening. She gave her support unconditionally. Her instincts told her I needed to get out of there.
I then boarded the tour bus, with a bunch of lovely pensioners, and took the scenic route back to the nearest major town which was a couple of hours away.
Dave and Jane kindly organised a bus transfer and railway ‘sleeper’ ticket for me, and in just over 24 hours, I was home.
A couple of days later, my colleague began his drive back towards the coast and his truck broke down. He was forced to spend the night in the middle of nowhere.
If I hadn’t listened to my instincts, I would have been stuck there with him.
Of course, this all happened years ago, so why am I thinking about it now?
I guess it’s because I’ve been thinking a lot about fear lately…how we can let it control us and push us around; and how it sometimes makes us doubt ourselves and our instincts.
My instincts told me I wasn’t safe and I listened. I risked making a complete fool of myself with a bunch of strangers because I knew I needed help to get out of there.
As it turned out, there were no flights out of town that day, no trains and no hire cars either so my instincts were spot on.
I was scared but I realised I had control over what I did. So I did what I needed to do.
I don’t ever want to go through an experience like that again. But I’m stronger because of it.
I guess that’s what happens when you face your fear and take control.
