Did I bring that home with me from my casual job?
‘No’ came the answer.
Is it someone else’s anxiety I am feeling?
‘No’ came than answer again.
It didn’t make any sense.
Eventually though, the answer began to tug at the corners of my mind. It was fear, sure enough. Fear was causing that coil.
But why? Why, when I feel like so much is beginning to go my way, am I now feeling anxious?
Then I realised. It’s my old fear of Success and Failure. Some people are scared of success and will ‘white ant’ themselves at every opportunity because they don’t believe they deserve it or can ever really achieve what they want.
Other people undermine every opportunity because they are scared of failure. So if they don’t start, if they never really give it their all, they won’t really fail.
Crazy, huh? But so many of us take one of these paths. As for me, I have the double whammy of the fear of both success and failure. So I tend to screw myself over from several directions at once and it can make forward progress a real challenge.
But lately, I’ve been trying to look past that old habit. I’ve begun to believe that maybe I actually deserve those things I truly desire. Maybe I can achieve them. Maybe I can achieve what success means for me.
And maybe I don’t have to worry about failure, I just need to give it a shot.
So that tension in my stomach tonight was all about my fear that what I want might actually be possible. Because lately, things have been starting to go my way.
And then came a phone call that confirmed I was the right path. It was a friend of mine confirming that we have received the go-ahead to work on creative project and will be paid well to do so. We will work together, with another fabulous friend, on something we will enjoy that will also enable us to get our own personal ‘love projects’ off the ground.
My friend was beside herself with excitement and I was on the edge of grateful tears. The possibilities for the three of us are opening up and, by working together, we are going to help each other to live our purpose.
It was a humbling and overwhelming moment.
Tonight that coil of tension in my stomach was the realisation that I could actually get what I want in life. Things could turn out beautifully for me if I just give it a shot. Life isn’t going to be perfect. But things can move in my direction.
And now I have confirmation that, if I just believe something is possible, it quite possibly could be.
My version of life success could be possible.
How amazing is that!