I had coffee with an old school friend today. We hadn’t seen each other for almost two decades but Anna* still looked the same. She looked great.

We talked about what we’d been doing, our work, our families and everything in between.

And of course, we talked about the men we have cared about, married, lived with and loved.

I was a bridesmaid at Anna’s first wedding. We were both in our early twenties and it seems like another lifetime ago.

Anna has married twice more since that day. And each time she married a man who treated her badly and betrayed her trust. She deserved better.

A lot of people might have given up after her experiences. They would declare they hate men and feel nothing but anger and resentment towards them.

But not Anna.

Anna is a romantic optimist. After each experience she has dusted herself off, somehow got through the pain, and then moved on to look for, and often find, love with someone else. She hasn’t given up on finding a man who will treat her well and love her.

But as 40 rapidly approaches and with some bitter experiences in her past, Anna has a good idea about what she wants in her future . She also has a good idea about the kind of man she wants to be with.

Anna and I might be attracted to different physical attributes and interests when it comes to men but we are looking for some of the same qualities.

We both want a man who loves us as we are. He must be someone who would never ask us to compromise on our beliefs or our personal goals.

And, most importantly, we want a man who has his sh!it together. That means they must know who they are, what they want and where they’re going. If they’re insecure, confused, drinking too much, taking drugs, flaky, or still entangled with an ex, they’re no good to us. Yet.

Unfortunately, it’s the ‘yet’ where we come unstuck.

Anna and I (and I’m sure almost every other single woman), have at least once hung on and hoped that if that one man we cared about (let’s call him a generic Anthony*) could just get it together, then we would be deliriously happy.

So we’ve waited. And waited. And then sometimes waited some more. After all, being a romantic optimist means you sometimes have to play the ‘long game’.

We’ve even deluded ourselves sometimes and said that we’re not really waiting at all. But we are. We’re not taking any other man seriously because we really believe that Anthony will get it together; because we want him to; because we believe he can; and because we care. We care way too much.

Sometimes our wait is rewarded and Anthony gets it together. He calls up and says, ‘Hey, I miss you. I’ve got it together now. I know what I want. Will you give me a chance to show you?’

But usually he doesn’t get it together. And he doesn’t call. Or he just goes off and gets it together with someone else.

And then we feel really stupid. And hurt. And the romantic optimist in us dies just a little.

But we always get up again. We never really give up hope. We are optimists after all.

I still believe Anna and I and all the other romantic optimists out there will meet the right man for each of us. And yes, he really will have his sh!it together.

In the meantime, our search continues.

* All names have been changed to protect the innocent, and not so innocent.