I know I should be living in the present but honestly, there are lots of reasons I’d like this year to be over and to start a new chapter in my life. Many friends have been experiencing their own challenges in 2013 and I think we’ll all draw a collective sigh of relief at midnight on 31 December.
There have of course been some wonderful moments but geez, sometimes it’s felt like we’ve been pushed to our limits on so many levels.
The question is, if 2013 was so ‘challenging’, what will be different in 2014?
Well, me, I guess. I want to be different. I want to take all the lessons I’ve learned about life, love, business and money and apply them constructively.
I want to let go of all those heavy emotional weights that have been holding me back and tripping me up whenever I’ve tried to move forward.
So I’m making a list of what I want my life to look like in 2014.
It doesn’t include becoming a millionaire (although of course, I wouldn’t say no to that!). But it does include having enough money to pay all my bills on time, buy some pretty shoes and do some travel beyond Australian shores.
It doesn’t include being rescued by a Prince on a white steed who will sweep me off my feet and take me to his castle. But it does include an emotionally mature and sexy male who is capable of commitment, fun and being a true partner…with me. I’m done with Bridget Jones-like tragedies.
It doesn’t include being the CEO of a multinational company. But it does include work that is satisfying, challenging, uses my skills and contributes towards making the world a better place.
It doesn’t include being a world-class athlete. But it does include good emotional and physical health with no injuries.
And finally, it doesn’t include glamorous parties with celebrities. But it does include regular gatherings, long chats, laughs and hugs with good friends and family members.
These are just some of the things I’m setting my intentions for in 2014. I know I’ll have to take action to help make these things come to pass. But I figure setting my intentions is a good way to start the process.
When I was a teenager I always pictured two ‘cool ages’ in my future. One was 24 and the other was 27. The selection of these ages appears to have been arbitrary (although I did have a very cool teacher in grade five who was 27, so perhaps she was my inspiration).
My 24 self would be cool, confident, glamorous and out there doing her ‘thing’. My teenage brain had no details about where the ‘where’ would be or what my ‘thing’ would entail.
By 27 I would be even cooler (obviously), have travelled extensively, might have got myself a serious boyfriend and would be holding down an incredibly successful, high-level executive career. I wasn’t specific about the profession.
Unfortunately, my teenage-self wasn’t quite on the money. By 24 I definitely wasn’t cool or overly confident (although I was damn good at pretending). As for glamorous, well, I wasn’t quite that either (an aunt once said my white cardigan looked like something a nurse would wear…this was probably a good illustration of my lack of fashion prowess).
I was however, married. This was never part of my teenage plan and many old high-school friends were definitely surprised I’d settled down so quickly.
By 27 I had finally worked out which profession I wanted to work in and had taken my first steps on the public relations ladder. I was still married.
I had been overseas but three weeks on a Contiki tour probably doesn’t count as extensive travel.
I was definitely not cool or high-flying. In fact, I’d decided it was far more important to be taken seriously than anything else. This meant sensible hair, sensible shoes and rather serious suits were the order of the day.
So I guess my teenage self didn’t quite get it right. She had stars in her eyes and possibly a truckload of naiveté and hope guiding her future plans.
She might be a little comforted though with the knowledge that post-27 I did work in some high-level jobs and I have travelled a lot. I’m also confident (usually) and she might even think I’ve occasionally met the cool and glamorous standards she set in her mind.
I doubt she ever considered what she would be doing at 40. That age would have seemed incredibly ancient and wrinkly to her.
But I don’t think I’m that old and I’m definitely not wrinkly yet. And I still think there a few more unexpected and unplanned adventures in my future.
So I guess this 40 year old, with stars in her eyes and a small wheelbarrow of naiveté and hope will have to make her own plans for the next 10 years.
A few years ago I was on a work trip out west when I began to feel very unsafe.
I’d had a difference of opinion with my colleague earlier in the day and, although I’d tried to calm the situation down, it flared up again while we driving to the next town.
It’s not pleasant when you’re stuck in a vehicle with someone who’s swearing at you.
And then things got more uncomfortable.
It was just me and him in a truck at night when he pulled off the main road and drove down a side track.
He said something about there being a lake nearby and he was, ‘just going to have a cigarette’.
We were in the middle of nowhere. There was no lights, no traffic, nothing.
I can remember keeping pace with him on the other side of the truck when he got out because I didn’t want him to jump back in, drive off and leave me there.
Did I mention he was more than twice my size?
Fortunately, I guess after he thought he’d freaked me out enough, we got back into the truck and arrived at our motel about thirty minutes later.
I can remember being in my room thinking, ‘Holy crap! How am I going to cope tomorrow?’
I had no mobile coverage and my colleague had the satellite phone.
The next day over breakfast he made a comment that completely freaked me out. And I felt very, very unsafe.
I was a long way from home and surrounded by strangers.
I didn’t know what to do.
Thoughts buzzed around in my head and I wondered if I was just misconstruing his comments.
And then my instincts kicked in.
I asked if I could borrow the satellite phone so I could check in with my boss back in Brisbane. He said, ‘sure’, and we agreed to meet in a few minutes at the hall where our workshop would be held.
I’d noticed a small tour group in the restaurant and, after my colleague left the room, I approached one of the guides, asked for a lift back east and promptly burst into tears.
That tour guide (Dave*) and his partner (Jane*) were absolutely wonderful. They were so kind to this emotional, fearful and slightly incoherent woman.
Dave helped me retrieve my bags from the truck and stayed with me while I told my colleague I had an emergency back home and needed to leave.
I rang my boss and told her what was happening. She gave her support unconditionally. Her instincts told her I needed to get out of there.
I then boarded the tour bus, with a bunch of lovely pensioners, and took the scenic route back to the nearest major town which was a couple of hours away.
Dave and Jane kindly organised a bus transfer and railway ‘sleeper’ ticket for me, and in just over 24 hours, I was home.
A couple of days later, my colleague began his drive back towards the coast and his truck broke down. He was forced to spend the night in the middle of nowhere.
If I hadn’t listened to my instincts, I would have been stuck there with him.
Of course, this all happened years ago, so why am I thinking about it now?
I guess it’s because I’ve been thinking a lot about fear lately…how we can let it control us and push us around; and how it sometimes makes us doubt ourselves and our instincts.
My instincts told me I wasn’t safe and I listened. I risked making a complete fool of myself with a bunch of strangers because I knew I needed help to get out of there.
As it turned out, there were no flights out of town that day, no trains and no hire cars either so my instincts were spot on.
I was scared but I realised I had control over what I did. So I did what I needed to do.
I don’t ever want to go through an experience like that again. But I’m stronger because of it.
I guess that’s what happens when you face your fear and take control.
I didn’t look forward to the birthday. I even considered hiding under my bed with chocolate and wine until it was all over.
But, that didn’t happen. Instead I celebrated by eating chocolate with my Mum, teaching my students and then finally enjoying some cocktails and dinner with a good friend.
So it felt like turning the big four-oh was actually not so bad after all.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t feeling so great the next day. But it wasn’t a hangover that was dragging me down. I guess you could say it was the post-birthday blues.
But just as my ‘pity-party for one’ threatened to consume me, I decided to reflect on all the things I’ve learned, achieved and enjoyed in my thirties.
Here are the top 10.
1. It’s always better to be alone than with the wrong person.
2. Buying and renovating a house on your own is a liberating experience. And watching a bulldozer tear up concrete can generate a bubble of excitement that lasts all day.
3. Being single should never, ever stop you getting on a plane and seeing the world. If I’d waited for a partner I would never have looked into the eyes of an old elephant in Thailand and felt its quiet but overwhelming wisdom. Sometimes magic can only happen when you are making a solo journey.
4. Being single can be really great…or really suck. It’s all about perspective.
5. New and beautiful friends will sweep unexpectedly into your life when you need them while older friends will sometimes drift away quietly or depart in a huff. Real friends will also love all your quirks and flaws…even when you’re acting like a crazy person.
6. It’s easier to put on weight than lose it in your thirties. But feeling guilty about what you put in your mouth is pointless. And remember, most men prefer women with curves not jutting ribcages and pointy elbows.
7. It’s impossible to feel bad when you’re wearing fabulous shoes. And when you add great hair, you’re unstoppable.
8. A pussycat gently placing its paw on your knee will always make you feel better when you’re sobbing over a broken heart. Pets don’t judge and always understand you.
9. Every man who has loved me, left me or made me horny has taught me a lesson about life. Sometimes I haven’t enjoyed learning those lessons…sometimes I’ve enjoyed them too much.
10. Don’t ever regret your past decisions or wish you had lived a different life. Your past has made you who you are. And your future is the next frontier.
