My house looks like a rubbish tip and not a well-organised one. I’m moving and my previously ordered (mostly) belongings are now strewn haphazardly around the place as if thieves ransacked my home last night. But there have been no thieving visitors, only me and my random packing methods over the past few weeks.
It’s a strange feeling to be putting all my stuff into boxes. When you live in one place for 13 years, you accumulate a lot of memories and items to go with them. I’ve rediscovered artwork from my childhood and travel documents from my first solo overseas trip. I also found three small figurines tucked into the back of a sideboard. I can remember proudly buying them at Paddy’s Market with my very own pocket money when I was about 12 years old. As I held them in my hands I was transported back to a time when my life felt softer and gentler somehow.
As things are moved, packed or given away, my emotions tumble this way and that – just like I hope the boxes won’t do in the removalist’s storage container on Thursday.
Anxiety, optimism and fearfulness have paid a few visits. Tears have been shed as I’ve recalled a fond or painful memory. I’ve pictured my two cats SuperPuss and Mirabel, now passed, wandering then hallway and keeping me company, showing me love and lifting my spirits. I’ve seen again in my mind’s eye, my body on the floor sobbing with heartbreak over more than one man who did not deserve the love I offered.
I wrote and published my first anonymous blog post in this house – terrified that someone would know it was me. I also wrote and published my first book here too and began my first business enterprise.
When I move into my new home, it will hold no memories for me. Instead it will be a clean slate; a new place to create a different life.
The thought of that newness and letting go of the known of this place is scary and enticing in turns. But before I reach that place, I must first navigate and bring order to the chaos I’m currently surrounded by.
Have you ever noticed that when something isn’t going your way, you want to control it even more? You want something to happen and you want it really badly but it’s stopped down the track and it’s not moving. You can see it in the distance; it’s oh so close. But it’s not getting closer.
If you’re anything like me (and I know some of you are) this can occasionally bring on a ‘control meltdown’. This is the moment when you’ll feel like if other people would just get their act together then it would all work out. It will be the moment when you want to get in there and ‘sort the situation out’. It will be the time when you will feel determined to drag that thing towards you inch by painful inch until it’s where it’s supposed to be. You’ll feel stressed, anxious or even angry because you’ll want to control that situation and ‘make it happen.’
Sigh. I feel exhausted just thinking about it.
Things rarely work well if we try to control them. Life just isn’t like that. Instead it’s an organic thing that grows best with a little love and a lot less control. That’s just the way it is.
So much of what we’re taught is about control. For example, if I do X and Y then this will result and I will be able to create this outcome. But what if you’ve followed this formula and the outcome hasn’t eventuated? What then? Have you stuffed up the formula? Did you do it wrong? Is there something wrong with you or are ‘they’ to blame? Should you be doing more? Can you force it?
The questions will buzz around your head like flies and drive you crazy if you let them.
The truth is, all we can ever control is what we do in this moment. So my advice is (and trust me, I’m still working on this myself), if it’s not working and you believe you’ve done everything you can, then let it go. Allow it to eventuate or not. You can’t control the outcome and you certainly can’t control what other people are going to do. And you can’t force something to happen if it’s not supposed to.
Let it go and know all is as it should be. Often that’s when the thing you want will slide effortlessly into place and later you’ll wonder why you ever worried about it at all.