Sometimes my girlfriends and I can solve the problems of the world. Other times we just talk trash.
Here are our findings from this evening.
1. Doing online research or cyberstalking about a new love interest can also be referred to as due diligence.
2. We all know about the sex haze. It blinds us to someone’s faults because all we can think about is ripping their clothes off and screwing their brains out. Apparently it’s now known as the façade (pronounced ‘fuc!k hard’). Spread the word.
3. In the confusion arising from male and female relationships, sometimes you just have to make decisions based on what your conscience can live with.
4. Being sober will enable you to move quickly when some drunk guy starts a random punch up. It won’t help you to avoid someone spilling their drink all over you.
5. A drunk couple can go from dry humping on the dance floor to a fight and being asked to leave by the bouncer within four minutes.
6. Drunk guys will always use their inebriation as an excuse to ‘accidentally’ touch you on the butt. You could slap their faces but really, who could be bothered.
7. Single girls need to think on their feet. For example, when a nice guy discovers you work nearby and says, ‘We should do lunch,’ the correct response involves an encouraging smile and something like, ‘Yeah, that would be great. When are you free?’
Responding with a ‘Yeah, we probably could,’ while looking at him as if he is a crazy person (because the invitation takes you by surprise) is kind of stupid.
8. Sometimes we will hook up with a man just because the sex is incredible…even when we know he is unworthy of a single minute of our time in every other respect.
9. ABBA’s ‘Dancing Queen’ is fabulous to dance to no matter how drunk or sober you are.
10. When we were teenagers the DJ was the hot guy everyone wanted to go out with. Now he is the weird bearded guy in the cap dancing madly to MmmBop by Hanson.
A man told me last night that one of the reasons he loves dancing tango is because, and I quote, “You get to dance with young women with their chests pressed into you.”
And yes, he said this…WHILE I WAS DANCING WITH HIM.
Now this man is lovely, a lot older than me, but yes he has always been invariably polite and urbane. And he’s a great dancer.
And no, before you ask, there has never been that kind of flirtation between us. A bit of friendly banter sure, but that’s as far as it went.
So what on God’s earth possessed him to say that to me?
After all, I had my chest pressed into him at the time so I couldn’t have felt any more awkward.
Of course in true Lucy fashion I deployed my tried and true approach for all awkward situations – humour.
“I’m not drunk enough to have this sort of conversation,” I said.
“Hang on, I haven’t had a drink all night. I definitely can’t have this conversation.”
We both laughed and then talked about something else. Thank goodness.
If you know me, or you read my blog, you will know this kind of stuff happens to me regularly.
I don’t invite it and I don’t look for it (although I will admit that it provides fabulous blog material).
People (and all too frequently they seem to be men) will sometimes say and do the strangest things.
And dancing seems to bring out some of the most ‘interesting’ behaviour I’ve seen.
There’s the man who decided to randomly kiss me on the cheek in the middle of a dance class (absolutely uninvited); the man who decided to imitate a seventies porn star by looking into my eyes intently and slowly running his tongue over his top lip (ICK!!!!!!!); and the man who decided he would flick my bra strap while his girlfriend was on the other side of the room.
And those are just the highlights. Or should I call them the lowlights?
I’m including all these stories of slightly inappropriate male behaviour (and many others) in my book.
That would be the same book I’m procrastinating on by writing this blog instead.
Mmm. Must get back to that.
But before I go, please don’t let my words put you off dancing.
There are a lot of lovely men out there who dance beautifully.
And sometimes – when the moon and stars align – you may meet one (like I did last night) who not only moves like magic on the dance floor but is also kind of cute as well.