by Lucky Lucy | Mar 11, 2013 | Bad behaviour, Ex, Instincts, Men, Relationships |
A few years ago I found myself in a particularly dysfunctional relationship.
I guess you could say I decided to deal with all my bad boy issues in one hit.
It lasted for a few months and during that time my idea of normal relationship behaviour became a bit skewed.
And when I look back now, I can see that clearly.
But at the time, I thought it was normal. I thought it was okay.
Jamie* had a range of issues, including drugs.
When I started seeing him, he said he wasn’t into that kind of thing anymore. And I believed him.
But Jamie was lying. Or perhaps he was straight for the first part of our relationship and then relapsed.
Either way, his behaviour rapidly became the opposite of normal.
He worked away sometimes so we spent a lot of time talking on the phone. Some nights it was like talking to a stranger; a stranger who wasn’t very nice.
But he always apologised the next day so we worked through it. I worked through it.
Sometimes he would tell me stories to deliberately scare me or make me worry. He was even transparent about it and once said he liked hearing that sound of worry and panic in my voice.
And yet I stayed with him.
I’d tell friends what was happening and some of my stories were so far from normal I can’t believe they stopped themselves from physically shaking me and yelling, “What the hell are you doing?? Run!!!”
Eventually Jamie broke my heart – what a surprise…not.
And it took me a long time to recover. It was a toxic relationship and definitely not healthy/normal.
I was lucky to get out as easily as I did.
I’ve met a lot of women whose idea of a normal relationship has become warped because they’ve stayed too long with a dysfunctional partner.
I’ve watched too many friends disappear and be replaced by women who think the most unacceptable behaviour is acceptable…and normal.
And these types of relationships don’t just affect my social group.
I met a woman called Jamillia* recently who told me the story of her ex, his alcoholism and how she eventually walked away because she needed to do what was best for her.
Then she told me about his threat to kill her if she dated anyone else. She said it was, of course, just a joke.
Jamillia* had spent so long in a dysfunctional and toxic relationship that she couldn’t or didn’t want to see his comment clearly for what it was.
I asked her if ‘normal’ people generally make threats to kill others.
She stopped and thought about my question for a few moments and said…no. And then she decided to manage all contact with her ex a little more carefully.
Jamillia’s experience is pretty extreme and of course there are lots of healthy relationships out there.
But sometimes smart women find themselves in relationships that develop into something that is not healthy, and not normal.
And it is one area of our lives where we need to be vigilant.
*All names have been changed.
by Lucky Lucy | Jan 3, 2013 | break ups, Ex, Men |
An Ex came to my house for a visit a couple of months ago. And when I asked him why he’d come, he said he was worried I might be out there in the world hating him.
So he’d come in person to see if his worries were warranted.
‘I’ve never hated you,’ I said.
‘I’m not sure if I’ve ever really hated anyone.
‘Do many people in the world hate you?’
He made some non-committal sound in the back of his throat.
‘It must have come pretty close,’ he said.
‘Well. You did a lot of damage when you were here.
And I was very hurt and very angry for a long time,’ I admitted.
‘But I didn’t hate you. Never that.
‘It’s not really my style, you see.
‘And I don’t really think I have a malicious bone in my body anyway.’
He smiled when I said that, as if he didn’t quite believe me.
And I suppose, given the right circumstances, he was right to doubt me. I’m human and we all have a dark side. So I daresay I could hate him and live on malice if I chose.
And I’m sure in the distant past I was occasionally malicious on purpose (teenagers are particularly good at this).
But I don’t think I’ve ever really hated anyone.
And these days I certainly don’t see the point.
Instead I choose to get angry, fight fair, be passionate and always speak my truth, even when it makes other people uncomfortable.
But hate and malice are a waste of my time because they lead nowhere.
They don’t help me to feel better about myself.
And they don’t help me to move forward.
So even though my Ex hurt me terribly, because he couldn’t or wouldn’t be the man I wanted him to be, I don’t hate him.
Instead, I’ve chosen to lick my wounds, flounder around in the pain (a lot), heal the best way I can, and then try to let it all go.
Does that make me unusual? I’m not sure.
But I guess that’s just how I roll.
by Lucky Lucy | Apr 26, 2012 | Ex |
When I finished talking to my Ex and his partner yesterday morning I walked away thinking two things.
Firstly, ‘she suits him so much more than I ever did’ and secondly, ‘thank God I did my hair this morning’.
It was a surprisingly ‘together’ and mature response for me.
Unfortunately, I can’t say my response to another man last week was quite as mature.
The second man (let’s call him Garry) and I had a confused ‘something’ more than a year ago.
I had a crush on him and he clearly had a thing for me (this was witnessed by other, more sane people than I).
But then I discovered he had a girlfriend and I threw a bit of a tantrum. Okay yes, there were probably more intelligent ways to deal with the news but maybe I’m just not the most emotionally evolved person in the world, yet.
Garry sought me out, apologised profusely for any confusion and said he needed to reflect on what had happened. I subsequently stopped wanting to push him down the nearest flight of stairs.
But even now I’m still not sure exactly what it was all about.
The looks I got from his girlfriend in the weeks after the apology showed that she didn’t know what was going on either.
It was weird.
Anyway, I’ve moved on.
But when I saw Garry and his girlfriend last week I immediately lost track of what my friend was saying and fought an ridiculously juvenile urge to scurry like a frightened mouse into the nearest hole in the wall.
It was a completely irrational response to seeing someone I had never dated.
Sure, if we’d made eye contact it might have been a little awkward but we probably would’ve smiled and moved on.
And okay, his girlfriend would probably still want to scratch my eyes out but that’s unlikely to happen in a public place.
So couldn’t I have been mature?
I guess not. Apparently maturity is not my strong suit and instead of acting like a grown up my brain just screamed AVOID and EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY.
It was not my finest moment.
What I don’t understand is how bumping into my Ex, who I spent 15 years of my life with, is not awkward but bumping into some guy I only had a crush on throws me into a complete spin?
I mean, not actively seeking a conversation with Garry was smart. But wanting to flee the scene like a criminal was a little over the top.
Hmmm.
And then there’s the likelihood factor. The likelihood of me bumping into my Ex is pretty high as he only lives a few blocks away. And yet, since 2007 we have only bumped into each other once – yesterday.
(The fact it was dawn and his partner admitted to almost running me down with her bike an hour earlier only added colour to the event.)
On the other hand, Garry, who I no longer share any common activities with and who I believe lives on the other side of town, showed up randomly in the same location as me. Yep, in a city of more than one million people, there he is.
Hmmm.
Many of my friends would say, ‘Lucy, this kind of stuff just happens to you’.
And they’d be right.
I’ve got a history of weird coincidences, strange confidences and bizarre happenings. That’s just how I roll.
So why am I still surprised when these things happen?
Who knows.
And who knows why I (or anyone) reacts in a certain way. Sometimes our emotions create strange reactions. Sometimes we all just act a little crazy.
Perhaps I just act a little crazier than most.
So what did I learn from all this?
Well, I think there are a couple of morals to this story:
1. Watch out for crazy cyclists at dawn
2. Always make sure you do your hair before you leave the house
3. Try a little harder to act maturely when confronted with awkward situations (or start wearing sunglasses and a cloak at night so you can travel incognito).
