by Lucky Lucy | Sep 1, 2015 | Dating, Men, Relationships, The Men I've Almost Dated |
My book editing is nearly done. Just one more read-through and it will be ready for final checking by my editor Kristy. She’s been so patiently waiting and encouraging me over the past few months but I think I gave her a bit of a ‘moment’ in our conversation last week when I said I wanted to rewrite the whole thing.
I was half-serious with the comment because when I read through my book now it feels like it was written by someone else. Oh, I know I’ve definitely done all the things in that book and lived through those experiences. But the person I am now is so very different from that 30-something woman who somewhat blindly found her way out of a 10-year marriage, through divorce and into the dysfunctional world of dating.
Take for instance my chapter entitled, Why Men Are Like Feral Cats. Even now it seems like an outrageous statement to make but, back then, I came across a number of men who were exactly like our feline friends. As I wrote, ‘Men couldn’t have anything in common with previously domesticated but now wild animals running the streets with absolutely no sense of responsibility. Could they?’
If you’ve been single for any period of time you’ll know the types of ‘cats’ I’m referring to here. In my book I’ve broken them down into some categories. These include the Never-Been-Faithful Cat who ‘flirts and behaves like the most unattached man with any attractive woman within a five-kilometre radius.’ There’s the Shameless Cat who ‘will chat up multiple women in the same location, within minutes of each other’ (for him it’s purely a numbers game). And of course, there’s the Shady Cat. He’s the one disguised as the nice guy until his partner is out of earshot (or in the next room) and then suddenly he’s all hands and innuendo.
Are you seeing the similarities yet between some men and feral cats? I’ll give you a hint…it may have something to do with their need to copulate with as many females as possible, regardless of their relationship status.
Fortunately, I have also come to know some lovely men who don’t resemble feral cats in any way whatsoever. Ladies they do exist, thank goodness! But the feral cats are still out there and when I look back at the woman who had those experiences, I shake my head ruefully. I was so naïve about men and human behaviour when I ventured into the Land of Single. And learning about feral cats was just one of the lessons I had to learn the hard way.
I’m still single now but, as I read through my book from beginning to end for what is probably the last time, I know how much I’ve grown from all the experiences it describes. I’m wiser but in many ways, when it comes to men, I’m still just as clueless. Does that ever change, I wonder? Or is that just one of the constant mysteries of life…that men and women are such different creatures that we must always be prone to miscommunication, misdirection and misdemeanors while we navigate the dating world?
I’m not sure, but I’m still out there hoping for the best. Except these days, I can usually spot a ‘feral cat’ at 10 paces.
by Lucky Lucy | Aug 12, 2015 | Dating, Men, sex |
‘…Let’s talk about sex, baby
Let’s talk about you and me
Let’s talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let’s talk about sex
Let’s talk about sex
Let’s talk about sex
Let’s talk about sex
Let’s talk about sex for now to the people at home or in the crowd
It keeps coming up anyhow
Don’t decoy, avoid, or make void the topic
Cuz that ain’t gonna stop it
Now we talk about sex on the radio and video shows
Many will know anything goes
Let’s tell it how it is, and how it could be
How it was, and of course, how it should be…’
Let’s Talk About Sex, Salt ‘n’ Pepa.
Mum has always been very supportive of my writing. She’s the one in my family who asks how it’s going, wants to read my work and encourages me to follow my writing dream (even when the going gets tough).
Last year, I showed her a chapter from the latest draft of my book and she loved it. She said it made her feel emotional and she wanted to cry a little. This was high praise coming from Mum.
Fast forward a year and that draft has morphed and changed into a far more refined version. And Mum’s been supportive the whole time. ‘When do I get to read your book?’ has been her regular refrain followed by, ‘Is it finished yet?’
About a month ago I was finally able to say, ‘Yes, it’s ready enough for you to see it. I’ll email to you.’ Would she like it or hate it, I didn’t know. But it was time.
Four long days crept past with no word from Mum. Was my book complete crap?? My fears started to bubble a little. Surely all was fine. Maybe she was busy and hadn’t read it yet.
Finally, I rang her on another pretext and as the conversation drew to a close she said, ‘By the way, I read your book.’
‘Oh?’ I said. ‘What did you think?’
‘I thought it was very well written,’ she said. ‘But I don’t really think it’s for my generation. And, as your mother, I don’t really want to read about all the men you’ve had sex with.’
Oh. My. God.
‘Mum, you do realise I haven’t slept with all the men I mention in the book. That’s why it’s called The Men I’ve Almost Dated. And besides, even if I had, it wouldn’t actually be many by most people’s standards…for my age.’
‘Well, that’s not always very clear,’ she replied. ‘But I thought it was good and very well written,’ she added hastily.
Awkward!!!
Now, my Mum knew the subject matter of my book before she read it. Lord knows she’s been privy over the years to many of my ridiculous dating and male-related stories. And trust me, there really isn’t much graphic content in my book. But I think Mum was a little shocked and, as I now look through some of my stories, I guess I can understand why. My writing is pretty open and I tend to say it like it is. If you’re single and you’re dating (or not dating), the subject of sex is going to come up. It is 2015 after all.
But my Mum is 70 years old and from another generation; a generation that definitely wasn’t as open about things as we are today.
When I next saw Mum, she made a point of saying (again) how good she thought my book was and I know she is still really supportive, regardless of the content. But, as I plan its launch for later this year, I’m starting to wonder if I need to include some sort of age-related warning label like, ‘Contains some semi-shocking content and should only be read by people aged 18-60 years.’
Hopefully my second book (planned for early next year) will be a little less shocking for Mum and she’ll feel comfortable handing it out to her friends. For obvious reasons, I’m guessing it’s unlikely she’ll proudly distribute copies of The Men I’ve Almost Dated to her friends in the mostly 60+ age group at her weekly yoga class.
Love you Mum. xo
by Lucky Lucy | Jan 3, 2015 | break ups, Dating, Emotional, Family, Fear |
A good friend is going through a tough time and when I asked her if she kept a journal she said, ‘No.’
‘Start,’ I said. ‘It will always help.’
I’ve found journaling to be my lifesaver in times of pain and turmoil. It helps me clear my mind, focus and get to truth of things. It’s so easy to lie to ourselves when we turn things over in our minds for days, weeks and months on end. We can argue with ourselves and our ego tells us all kinds of things sometimes to delude us and sometimes to annihilate us.
But when you sit down to write, and you don’t allow yourself to edit your words, the truth always comes out. Often I will surprise myself with what I write.
Journaling and writing in general is my clearing house for the soul. As a writer it helps me process my life and who I am.
It is also good to help me release things that are taking up residence within my body and will eventually cause illness if I don’t let them out. I believe pain and anger can do exactly that – our bodies carry not just our organs but also our beliefs and emotions and these can harm us if not managed properly. In the past, my inability to release those emotions has led to depression and physical ailments.
The past six months have been challenging for me. I’ve lost a beloved pet, supported a close family member through the removal of cancer (and coped with my own fears around that), and been devastated by the inexplicable abandonment of someone I love. There have been good things too but the sometimes the tough things drag you down into the mire.
So I continue writing in my journal and have also started a new book to help me process the most recent happenings in my life. I don’t know if it will ever see the light of day. Perhaps I am just writing this one just for me. But write it I must. And it is through that writing that I will be able to move forward, somehow, to a place where I can have a little more peace.
by Lucky Lucy | Dec 1, 2013 | Bad behaviour, cringe, Dating, Emotional, Inappropriate male behaviour, Love, Men, Relationships |
A couple of months ago my friend Deanna* suggested I try a dating website her friends were using.
As most of you know, my previous online dating adventures haven’t ended well (see http://wp.me/pirqj-1m for the time I fled out the back door of a restaurant to escape my date). So I understandably reticent.
But Deanna* said her friends were actually scoring some good quality dates so I thought, “What the heck!”
I registered, drafted a few sentences for my profile, answered some questions and uploaded my photo.
The deed was done and I sat back to await contact from men who were ‘good quality dating material’.
The site automatically matches you with suitable partners. Well, that’s what they claim. I can’t say that I saw much evidence of it.
Within a day I’d received messages from a few men saying, “Hello!”
Well, sort of.
The messages were not so much “hello” as bad corny pick up lines and some really inappropriate comments.
Some of the highlights (and I use that term very loosely) were, “Hi queen, i think my eyes are stuck..cos i just can’t get em off you…” and “howdy there ma’am…how is thou doin?”
The lowlight was the man calling himself Tofu… who greeted me with “omg can I totally suck ur toes please…”
Ewwwww!!!
There were also approaches from men looking for polyamorous relationships. I have no idea what part of my profile indicated that I’d like to join their private harems.
And the things other men said they’d like to do on public transport were quite obscene.
There were messages from some men who appeared to be relatively normal. Donny* mentioned he needed a ‘sleep fan’ to sleep at night. But when I asked, “Wouldn’t that just give you a head cold all year round?” he didn’t respond.
I’m guessing I blew my chances by being a little cheeky (my sincere apologies to all the sleep fan devotees out there).
After a few weeks it seemed that Donny was the best of the lot.
There were other men who sent messages but it was clear from their profiles that we had little in common so I didn’t respond.
One of these guys, Mickey*, was only 24 years old. I didn’t respond because I’d made it clear that my preferred age group was 34+. I figured, why waste time for both of us and he clearly didn’t read my profile.
Anyway, evidently he got sick of waiting for a response or somehow knew that I’d deleted his message because, two days later Mickey sent me a one-word email. It just said, “bitc!h”.
I guess we know why he’s single.
I deactivated my profile the next day.
My score for quality dates was zero. But the site did provide me with some amusement, so it wasn’t a total waste of time.
My search for love continues…and no, you cannot suck my toes.
by Lucky Lucy | May 24, 2013 | Dating, Emotional, Fear, Single, Uncategorized |
A good friend called the other day to see how I was and I ended up sobbing like a crazy person on the phone.
I was having one of those days when everything was going wrong and I just couldn’t see how I would ever get my head above water.
I was an emotional mess.
After an hour of talking, sobbing and laughing at the ridiculousness of life, I got off the phone, threw on some fresh clothes and my knee-high boots, redid the make-up and headed out to meet another friend for dinner.
As I sat down, Susie* commented on how great I looked. When I told her the real story she nodded knowingly and said, “Oh, you put on the mask. I do that too.”
I’d put on my mask of being a ‘together person’ before I’d left the house and clearly Susie had done this a few times herself.
I’ve become pretty good at it. I guess working in public relations for more than 10 years has made slipping on the mask a lot easier. When you’re trying to be all things to all people in your job sometimes you’ve just got to pull on the mask and get on with it.
Unfortunately, you can get a little too good at it. And sometimes you don’t let people see there is a mask at all – they just think that’s who you are.
When you’re dating someone, sooner or later you have to let your mask slip and let them see the swirling darkness and beautiful technicolour beneath. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll be brave enough to do that again when the time comes.
I know my mask hides a whole lot of really wonderful things. But it also hides a lot of dark and complex stuff too. And too many times the wrong man has taken one look and sprinted for the hills.
But I’ve decided next time that I’m going to take my mask off and let him see the real person underneath. The trick of course is to do that without fear of judgement. That is the real challenge.
But I’m willing to give it a go. I’m even going to be optimistic and believe maybe, he might even like the darkness and complexity underneath my mask.
After all, stranger things have happened and anything is possible…right?
by Lucky Lucy | May 23, 2013 | Bad behaviour, Dating, Ex, Inappropriate male behaviour, Relationships |
I had an ex flashback this week. There I was, minding my own business when I looked up and wham! there he was.
Well, it wasn’t actually my ex Gerry. But for a moment my heart stopped because this guy looked just like him.
After my brain registered that it wasn’t him and my heart started beating again, I found myself thinking about Gerry and the connection we had.
It was one of those highly sexual connections where quite frankly, we could have ripped each other’s clothes off at any moment. But sadly, possibly because he forgot to mention he had a girlfriend, our relationship didn’t quite work out the way I hoped.
In hindsight, this was probably a good thing.
I’ve been single for a while now and the Gerry story is not the only negative male-related scenario I’ve come across. In fact, my whole book (The Men I’ve Almost Dated – currently being edited) covers the bizarre and often dysfunctional behaviour I’ve witnessed on the dating scene.
Unfortunately, these experiences have had a rather nasty side effect for me. I now find myself being just a little too cautious and often a little too defensive around men. In fact, sometimes I’m so busy playing defense that I forget to open the door and let the good ones in.
I was out last night and I did exactly that with a man who definitely has possibilities. I shut him down. I was just a little too much of a smart-mouth. It was reflex thing and I’m not exactly proud of it. But hey, like most people, I am a product of my experience so I’m not going to beat myself up about it too much.
Instead I’ve decided to change course and try a different tack.
So tonight I’ve made contact and opened the door just a little so he can walk through it.
Who knows, he could turn out to be rather fabulous. I’ll just have to trust that he’s not another Gerry and wait and see what happens next.
Wish me luck.
My book editing is nearly done. Just one more read-through and it will be ready for final checking by my editor Kristy. She’s been so patiently waiting and encouraging me over the past few months but I think I gave her a bit of a ‘moment’ in our conversation last week when I said I wanted to rewrite the whole thing.
