Success, Failure and a Fear of Both

successAs I sat at home tonight, I could feel a coil of tension in my stomach. I had no reason to be tense so I sat with it and asked, what’s that about?

Did I bring that home with me from my casual job?

‘No’ came the answer.

Is it someone else’s anxiety I am feeling?

‘No’ came than answer again.

It didn’t make any sense.

Eventually though, the answer began to tug at the corners of my mind. It was fear, sure enough. Fear was causing that coil.

But why? Why, when I feel like so much is beginning to go my way, am I now feeling anxious?

Then I realised. It’s my old fear of Success and Failure. Some people are scared of success and will ‘white ant’ themselves at every opportunity because they don’t believe they deserve it or can ever really achieve what they want.

Other people undermine every opportunity because they are scared of failure. So if they don’t start, if they never really give it their all, they won’t really fail.

Crazy, huh? But so many of us take one of these paths. As for me, I have the double whammy of the fear of both success and failure. So I tend to screw myself over from several directions at once and it can make forward progress a real challenge.

But lately, I’ve been trying to look past that old habit. I’ve begun to believe that maybe I actually deserve those things I truly desire. Maybe I can achieve them. Maybe I can achieve what success means for me.

And maybe I don’t have to worry about failure, I just need to give it a shot.

So that tension in my stomach tonight was all about my fear that what I want might actually be possible. Because lately, things have been starting to go my way.

And then came a phone call that confirmed I was the right path. It was a friend of mine confirming that we have received the go-ahead to work on creative project and will be paid well to do so. We will work together, with another fabulous friend, on something we will enjoy that will also enable us to get our own personal ‘love projects’ off the ground.

My friend was beside herself with excitement and I was on the edge of grateful tears. The possibilities for the three of us are opening up and, by working together, we are going to help each other to live our purpose.

It was a humbling and overwhelming moment.

Tonight that coil of tension in my stomach was the realisation that I could actually get what I want in life. Things could turn out beautifully for me if I just give it a shot. Life isn’t going to be perfect. But things can move in my direction.

And now I have confirmation that, if I just believe something is possible, it quite possibly could be.

My version of life success could be possible.

How amazing is that!

Can you ever go back?

Going backThere are times in your life when you wonder if you could ever really go back. Could you rekindle that old flame? Is it ever really possible go back to the place that you’d been and somehow make it better the second time around?

I’ve been thinking about this lately and I’ve come to the conclusion that no, you can never really go back to what was. But you can go back to that person and start anew if you have both transformed.

Because there was a reason that relationship broke down the first time. It didn’t work. Whether you or they broke it off, there was something wrong. So walking back in and thinking you can just start again where you finished is naïve and potentially disastrous.

More importantly, you played a role in that relationship and if it didn’t work, part of that responsibility lies with you.

Did you honour yourself in that relationship? Did you speak your truth or did you bite down your words to keep the peace? Did you put the needs of others above your own? Were you fearful of connecting with someone honestly so you always held back a little?

You can point your finger as much as you like at the other person but they reflected something in you. And that’s something you need to look at. If you don’t, you will probably repeat the experience again with someone else. If you don’t take responsibility for the role you played you won’t have learned what you needed to learn.

So as you look back and point the finger at the other person, know that you are really pointing at yourself.

It’s challenging to think like this because it means we have to take ownership of what has happened. Usually it didn’t just happen to us. We made choices that led us to that point and we attracted what was within us.

I’ve been doing my own self-assessment about a previous relationship recently and it’s been an eye-opening experience. I’ve realised that I didn’t always honour myself and I watched as he did the same.

I put his emotional needs above my own, just as he did with others. I wanted so much for him to be happy that I didn’t say, ‘Hey, that’s not cool,’ when he leapt over a boundary. And in return, I watched as he allowed every person in his life to overtake his boundaries again and again.

I judged him harshly when he pulled back. I saw beyond his words to his fears of intimacy and blamed him for the way things ended without acknowledging that in many ways he simply reflected a whole raft of my own fears.

I was angry because he didn’t want to let go of control or the way things had always been. But I didn’t see that all I wanted was to control how it would be. I ran from or blocked conversations because I was terrified of rejection and realise now that he was terrified too. We were too fearful to look each other in the eyes, be fully exposed and work it out. So in the end he decided to get in first and reject me before I could reject him. And so he did what I feared most and left.

It’s like a curtain has been pulled away and suddenly I see how responsible I am for the outcomes I’ve created in my own life. It was never really about what he did to me, after all. Instead it was a reflection of me and that’s why it was so painful because it’s hard to face what’s inside of you, those things you try to hide from yourself.

So can you go back? Can you reconnect to that old relationship and make it work a second time around? Yes. I believe it’s possible. In fact, I believe it with my whole heart because when things are meant to be, they will be. And you will be drawn back together because it is right.

But both parties must have done the work to transform themselves in the meantime. They must be prepared to look at themselves honestly and realise the other person was a reflection of them. You were drawn to that person to learn what you needed to learn. So learn the lessons and then, you may come back together and move forward in a completely different and stronger way. Or you may not. The choice is really up to you and them.

And the quiet voice within kept whispering

VoiceI was thinking today about a man I worked with years ago (Max*) and how he worried about what other people said and thought about him. What others thought was more important than what he thought.

Max surrounded himself with people who were happy to judge him and tell him what was best. Sometimes they even convinced him that he was worth less than he was. That wasn’t hard to do because Max didn’t think he was worth much. He barely give himself a chance to think about what he wanted or believed.

Strangely (to him) in the midst of all this advice and knowledgeable opining, Max was unhappy. He felt there was something more out there but instead of exploring the unknown he thought, ‘What would I know anyway? Other people know better than me.’ So he stayed where he was. He stayed in the same job, surrounded himself with the same types of people and did the same things he’d always done.

And yet inside Max a quiet voice whispered, ‘There is more for you than this. You are worth more than this. Take a chance, follow your heart’s desire wherever it takes you.’

When I last saw Max he was doing a great job of drowning out his inner voice because, if he listened to it, he would have to change. And the very thought of change and the courage it would take to believe in himself (instead of others) brought up a tidal wave of fear. How can one person suddenly decide to live a different life, one that will make them truly happy, and risk the judgement of others? What would people think of him?

The implications of such actions were diabolical to Max so he struggled on.

I have been like Max. I have resisted listening to my inner voice. And I know how hard it is to back yourself and risk the judgement of others. But over time I’ve come to realise that my inner voice knows best even if it flies in the face of other people’s opinions.

It can hurt when other people judge you or say you’re making the wrong choices.

But they are not you.

They cannot hear your inner voice urging you forward to a better place, a place where you are happier and can be the person you are truly meant to be.

I hope Max decided to listen to that voice whispering deep inside him and I hope you decide to listen to yours too.

*names changed.