I was discussing trends with my classes today and it got me thinking about the trends in my own life; specifically the trends in my dating life.
Unfortunately this trends analysis led me to some alarming conclusions.
Drawn from my single-life experiences over the past seven years, these trends show I do not possess the qualities that men find appealing.
My evidence indicates that men do not want a woman who:
- can support herself financially and isn’t after their money
- is honest and says what she thinks
- shows that she has emotions and will talk about how she feels
- likes having sex
- is affectionate
- is reasonably attractive and presentable
- looks after herself by exercising etc.
- is intelligent
- has her own interests and is happy for a man to have his own as well
- isn’t co-dependent
- is well-travelled
- is articulate
- is educated
- has a sense of humour
So. What are my conclusions? Well firstly, this analysis has clearly explained why I am still single. Secondly, it seems to indicate that to be more appealing to a man I should do the opposite of what I’ve been doing so far.
This means I should:
- go on unemployment benefits and look for a Sugar Daddy or millionaire to support me and/or ask men to submit to a financial audit before dating them
- play head games, mess men around and generally not show who I really am
- have zero reaction to any emotional situation (robotic-like would be a good goal here)
- hold out for several months before having sex with a man and pretend not to like it when I finally ‘give in’. (Clearly any enthusiasm in this area is a no, no. I know the man who once told me to, ‘Just lie there and let me…you’ would think this is appropriate.).
- play the role of ice queen wherever possible. Behaving like touching a man is the equivalent of touching radioactive waste is probably a suitable approach.
- stop showering every day, refuse regular haircuts, abandon all hair removal activities and make ratty tracksuits my daily attire
- abandon any and all exercise activities
- act stupid, have no opinions and stick to safe subjects like the weather
- text my partner every five seconds when we’re apart, throw a tantrum when he wants to hang out with his mates and insist on accompanying him to ‘boys nights’ at the local pub before dragging him home early to a night of no sex
- stop getting stamps in my passport
- stop talking
- pretend I can’t spell
- stop laughing at the ridiculousness of life
Mmm. What a shame I can’t do any of those things.
I guess I’ll just have to stay single.