I was discussing trends with my classes today and it got me thinking about the trends in my own life; specifically the trends in my dating life.

Unfortunately this trends analysis led me to some alarming conclusions.

Drawn from my single-life experiences over the past seven years, these trends show I do not possess the qualities that men find appealing.

My evidence indicates that men do not want a woman who:

  • can support herself financially and isn’t after their money
  • is honest and says what she thinks
  • shows that she has emotions and will talk about how she feels
  • likes having sex
  • is affectionate
  • is reasonably attractive and presentable
  • looks after herself by exercising etc.
  • is intelligent
  • has her own interests and is happy for a man to have his own as well
  • isn’t co-dependent
  • is well-travelled
  • is articulate
  • is educated
  • has a sense of humour
  • etc.
  • etc.

So. What are my conclusions? Well firstly, this analysis has clearly explained why I am still single. Secondly, it seems to indicate that to be more appealing to a man I should do the opposite of what I’ve been doing so far.

This means I should:

  • go on unemployment benefits and look for a Sugar Daddy or millionaire to support me and/or ask men to submit to a financial audit before dating them
  • play head games, mess men around and generally not show who I really am
  • have zero reaction to any emotional situation (robotic-like would be a good goal here)
  • hold out for several months before having sex with a man and pretend not to like it when I finally ‘give in’. (Clearly any enthusiasm in this area is a no, no. I know the man who once told me to, ‘Just lie there and let me…you’ would think this is appropriate.).
  • play the role of ice queen wherever possible. Behaving like touching a man is the equivalent of touching radioactive waste is probably a suitable approach.
  • stop showering every day, refuse regular haircuts, abandon all hair removal activities and make ratty tracksuits my daily attire
  • abandon any and all exercise activities
  • act stupid, have no opinions and stick to safe subjects like the weather
  • text my partner every five seconds when we’re apart, throw a tantrum when he wants to hang out with his mates and insist on accompanying him to ‘boys nights’ at the local pub before dragging him home early to a night of no sex
  • stop getting stamps in my passport
  • stop talking
  • pretend I can’t spell
  • stop laughing at the ridiculousness of life
  • etc.
  • etc.

Mmm. What a shame I can’t do any of those things.

I guess I’ll just have to stay single.