A few years ago I found myself in a particularly dysfunctional relationship.

I guess you could say I decided to deal with all my bad boy issues in one hit.

It lasted for a few months and during that time my idea of normal relationship behaviour became a bit skewed.

And when I look back now, I can see that clearly.

But at the time, I thought it was normal. I thought it was okay.

Jamie* had a range of issues, including drugs.

When I started seeing him, he said he wasn’t into that kind of thing anymore. And I believed him.

But Jamie was lying. Or perhaps he was straight for the first part of our relationship and then relapsed.

Either way, his behaviour rapidly became the opposite of normal.

He worked away sometimes so we spent a lot of time talking on the phone. Some nights it was like talking to a stranger; a stranger who wasn’t very nice.

But he always apologised the next day so we worked through it. I worked through it.

Sometimes he would tell me stories to deliberately scare me or make me worry. He was even transparent about it and once said he liked hearing that sound of worry and panic in my voice.

And yet I stayed with him.

I’d tell friends what was happening and some of my stories were so far from normal I can’t believe they stopped themselves from physically shaking me and yelling, “What the hell are you doing?? Run!!!”

Eventually Jamie broke my heart – what a surprise…not.

And it took me a long time to recover. It was a toxic relationship and definitely not healthy/normal.

I was lucky to get out as easily as I did.

I’ve met a lot of women whose idea of a normal relationship has become warped because they’ve stayed too long with a dysfunctional partner.

I’ve watched too many friends disappear and be replaced by women who think the most unacceptable behaviour is acceptable…and normal.

And these types of relationships don’t just affect my social group.

I met a woman called Jamillia* recently who told me the story of her ex, his alcoholism and how she eventually walked away because she needed to do what was best for her.

Then she told me about his threat to kill her if she dated anyone else. She said it was, of course, just a joke.

Jamillia* had spent so long in a dysfunctional and toxic relationship that she couldn’t or didn’t want to see his comment clearly for what it was.

I asked her if ‘normal’ people generally make threats to kill others.

She stopped and thought about my question for a few moments and said…no. And then she decided to manage all contact with her ex a little more carefully.

Jamillia’s experience is pretty extreme and of course there are lots of healthy relationships out there.

But sometimes smart women find themselves in relationships that develop into something that is not healthy, and not normal.

And it is one area of our lives where we need to be vigilant.

*All names have been changed.