Will Curiosity Really Kill the Cat?

Will Curiosity Really Kill the Cat?

Whenever I open a door in the kitchen my cat Mirabel instantly wants to dive in. She does the same thing every time I open my wardrobe door. Suddenly she’s right beside me and, if I’m not quick, she dives in to explore and her cheeky, jaunty tail disappears into the depths.

She is fearless in her exploration and her curiosity seems boundless. She sat on the windowsill this morning watching with rapt attention as the council truck rumbled along the street, picking up the bins and banging them down again. And whenever the printer starts up in my office, she’s suddenly sitting beside it, listening carefully to the whirrings and paying close attention as the paper moves in and then out again.

Is this why they say curiosity killed the cat, because they are so curious? I daresay Mirabel would be far too clever for that outcome.

But her mischievous exploration of unknown frontiers, unexpected opportunities and new activities got me thinking. Mirabel is so very willing to dive through an open door to see what’s on the other side. She simply rocks up and jumps in, without hesitation it seems.

Perhaps we could learn something from that?

So often it feels like we prevaricate about the right thing to do and the sensible thing to do. We are so very cautious when faced with new and unexpected experiences and we seek guarantees before we cross the threshold. We want to know how it will work out later.

‘Will I make a fool of myself?
‘Will I stuff it up?
‘Will he/she/they reject me?
‘What if it doesn’t last?
‘What if I get hurt?
‘What if I’m not good enough?
‘What if I make the wrong choice?
‘What if they laugh at me?’

The questions will scuttle mercilessly through our brains as we (figuratively speaking) hop from one foot to another, trying to make the ‘right’ decision.

Meanwhile, someone like Mirabel has stepped through the open door, explored the interior, learned some stuff, met some people, fallen in love/got a new job/started their dream business/moved to another country, and then found another door to step through.

Yet still you stand in the same place, hoping for something better yet afraid to shift in case you make the ‘wrong move’. You continue to peer through the door, trying desperately to see through the murky darkness to what lies beyond. But you can’t, so you stay where you are.

Sound familiar?

Needless to say, I like Mirabel’s approach. But it’s sometimes hard to emulate it. Fear frequently grinds my own feet to a halt on the threshold of many doorways. It’s at those moments that I need to remind myself that the greatest changes and achievements in my life have come when I stepped fearlessly forward, despite not knowing where I might end up.

It’s can be a challenge to live fearlessly, to take chances and explore the unknown pathways that beckon us onwards. Some people never attempt it and instead will be content to stay on the safe and well-known side of the doorway.

But I think Mirabel’s approach, with its accompanying adventure, knowledge and curiosity, is the one for me. I just need to master it.

Anxiety, self-worth and being ungrounded: the toxic mix

Anxiety, self-worth and being ungrounded: the toxic mix

When the idea for this blog arose a couple of days ago, I felt a bit tentative about it. Anxiety, and its loathsome sidekick depression, are sensitive issues and experiencing them, or witnessing someone we care about in depths of these rampant destructors, is traumatic, soul-destroying and deeply personal.

Nevertheless, after reading the thoughts of Chris Nicholas in his blog about mental illness and the need for us to do more (see Introspection and Loss), I felt compelled to share my story in the hope that perhaps, by sharing my own experiences, it might help one another person to navigate their own journey more safely and easily.

Anxiety was my very frequent and unwelcome companion throughout high school. It stalked me at every turn and manifested in a unique propensity to cry at the drop of a hat. I cried all the time. Whenever I was faced with new experiences I usually felt overwhelmed and the tears would start. Fear would turn on the taps and the salt water would pour forth. I can remember starting my first ever clarinet lesson in Grade 8 and crying because I felt so out of my depth. I had barely started and the newness of the experience and the unfamiliarity of the teacher was all too much. I lasted three lessons then never returned.

By Grade 12 I was crying less but inside I was still a mess. I was the lead in the school musical, secretary of the student council and had a diverse and large group of friends. But in my room at night I struggled and often felt like I was climbing the walls. My parents had done their best to get me help over the years with counselors but none of it seemed to work and I guess, as a highly-strung and chronic perfectionist, I became good at hiding my inner torment. On the outside I was an above-average, successful student. On the inside I was a basket-case.

By 23, I was on anti-depressants. Over the following 10 years I’d regularly visit a psychiatrist and numerous counselors as I sought to vanquish my anxious and depressive demons. The demons wreaked havoc in my gut and the medication messed with my weight. But every time I eased back or off the medication entirely, the symptoms would return within months. However, throughout all this time, I was a success on the surface with a good husband and a growing public relations career. I was also a highly judgmental young woman and had a view of the world that was strictly black and white. It wasn’t until much later that I’d realise those harsh judgements of others were the direct result of my own cruel judgement of myself.

Fortunately for me, life began to change in my early 30s and it was this shift that would ultimately help me force that anxiety and occasional depression back into the box where they belonged. Looking back now, I can put these changes down to a journey where I would finally uncover my self-worth and ultimately become a far more grounded human being.

Like a lot of people, I’d never really been shown how to value myself and trust my own judgement first, above all others. As young people we seek the advice of those older than us and, if we are insecure (like I was), we will often think others (even our peers) know best or more than us because we have no faith in ourselves whatsoever. Self-reliance and encouragement to go within for our answers is not frequently taught. Perhaps this is because it would encourage a little too much free-thinking in certain situations and this would disruptive?

Taking steps to connect more fully to who I am, and valuing myself and my capacity to make good decisions for me, has been an integral part in managing my anxiety and depression. But it’s not the full story.

The second component has involved learning to live in my head less and in my heart and body more. As a strongly energetic being (a psychic channel, no less), I am susceptible to picking up the energies of other people. This coupled with a mind that is strongly molded in the Western traditions of rationality and logic, has created numerous conflicts within me. My mind wants to reason everything through and weigh everything up (I am a Libran after all) while my intuitive self and my heart know there is often a very good reason to turn down reason and instead listen to the messages the Universe sends to help me on my journey. In hindsight, I wonder how often I was picking up the energies of others while I was growing up without knowing it. I also wonder if this fed my anxiety and twisted my mind into finding ways to reason through emotions, impressions and my own responses that simply had no rational cause.

Living in your head all the time also means you’re frequently not feeling connected to your body and that equals ungroundedness – a feeling of not being connected to the earth and not being present in the moment. It’s taken me a very long time to know what being grounded feels like and it’s an ongoing practice that I’m still seeking to perfect. But, I have to tell you, being grounded makes managing myself and the daily stresses of life a whole lot easier.

Thankfully, I left the anti-depressants behind in my early 30s. And these days I manage my rare bouts of anxiety with strategies ranging from acupuncture to meditation, exercise and natural remedies. Occasionally I will also see a counselor to talk through and release the thoughts scurrying through my mind.

Will I need medication again in the future? Who knows. If life throws me some unforeseen, painful or traumatic event then maybe I will. And that will okay too.

Do I think my process is a magical cure for everyone. No. I don’t. Everyone’s body is different and some people may always need medical assistance to manage their anxiety and depression. Others may take medication for a while, get better for a while, then regress. That’s the sometimes unpredictable nature of mental health and for everyone it is a unique and very personal journey.

However, I firmly believe that my lack of self-worth and being ungrounded were strong contributors to my personal experiences of anxiety and depression. I also believe that people are happier and more balanced if they are strongly connected to their inner selves, have strong self-worth and are grounded in their bodies.

Perhaps if we can teach our young people how to access these feelings and connections they will be less stressed-out and able to live their individual purpose on this planet with more ease and grace. And if my story can help just one other teenager avoid my less than ideal experiences, then that would be a true blessing indeed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You have a right to go for what you want

You have a right to go for what you want

If there’s one thing I’ve observed repeatedly as a mentor and just an average person walking around living this life, it’s that people rarely seem to be asked, ‘What do you want?’ or they rarely ask themselves this question. And if they do, they give little credence to the answer they receive from within themselves.

So much of what we’re geared to do and be is about pleasing others: our families, our friends, our bosses, our teachers, our lovers, and the list goes on. Yet surely the question, ‘What do I want?’ should be the most important thing you ask yourself, and ask it regularly.

But I’m not talking about, ‘Do I want pizza or steak for dinner?’ The question I’m talking about is, ‘What does my soul want?’ or even more specifically, ‘What does my heart desire, for me?’

When I ask this question of clients and friends too often the response, ‘I want to do X but…’ and they follow the ‘but’ with a myriad of reasons why they can’t do or have what they want. These range from, ‘It’s too expensive’ and ‘XX would disapprove’ to ‘I could never make money out of it’ or ‘I couldn’t make it work’. Or it’s some kind of other self-restriction we’ve created for ourselves that may appear real but is not real all.

And when I hear these responses, underneath there is the call of a larger truth desperately seeking a way out. It is the heart of that person trying to be heard above self-doubt and pleasing every single other person in your life except for you.

Now we all have responsibilities and yes, we have bills to pay. But please allow yourself the opportunity to ask what you really want and then listen to the answer. I can’t tell you how passionately I feel about this issue and when I see people getting up and doing the same thing repeatedly, that they don’t want to do (professionally or personally) I just think, ‘What is the point of that?’

Everyone single person reading this blog is here to live their purpose and I don’t care what that purpose is because it’s not mine, it’s yours. And if you don’t ask yourself the question, ‘What do I want?’ and listen carefully to the answer, you are missing out on one of your greatest gifts…the capacity in you to create whatever it is that you are here to create.

If listening is the second step, then the third one is taking some kind of action however small, to help move you in the direction you truly desire to go. That might be simply getting up 15 minutes earlier to develop that online course you know people out there need, before you go to work. It might be making sure you take a notebook with you on the train every morning so you can capture those beautiful thoughts about that book that is bursting from within you. Or it might simply be seeking the advice of someone to help you work out how to move forward from that terribly stuck place you find yourself. Perhaps it is as simple as asking for help. Whatever action you take will help you get there. It will help you move closer to what you want. It will help you reach the thing your heart desires.

Of course, there are always going to obstacles – who told you that the act of creating something amazing is easy? It’s not. There are peaks and troughs, lightning and raging seas along the way. But if you remember, ‘This is what I truly want’ and you just keep going you will be amazed at where you end up. It might even be a place you never expected that is so much more wonderful than you ever imagined.

So please, for every single one of you reading this post ask yourself ‘What is it that my heart truly desires?’ Then listen to the answer and take just a single step today towards your goal. You have a purpose and your heart needs you to heed its call. It’s what you were born to do.

What is intuitive mentoring?

What is intuitive mentoring?

‘What is intuitive mentoring?’ I’ve had this question (and a few others) numerous times so I thought I’d write a quick blog today and answer the top five questions about intuition and intuitive mentoring.

  1. What is intuitive mentoring?

Intuitive mentoring is a process designed to help you develop your self-awareness and connect more effectively into your intuition. It is about giving you the tools and techniques that will help you tune into the hints the Universe is sending you. This in turn helps you to trust yourself more and make better decisions in all facets of your life

  1. What is intuition?

Intuition is your inner knowing. You might also know it as your ‘gut feeling’, ‘instinct’ or (in Kath and Kim language) ‘feeling it in my waters’. It is essentially a feeling you get that you cannot explain through any rational thought process. For example, it’s the moment you interview a potential employee and think, ‘There’s something not right here’ although on paper and in every other way they seem perfectly fine. But a few months later, they leave with some of your best clients and you think, ‘Mmm, I should’ve listened to my gut feeling on that one.’

Or it’s when you have the opportunity to develop a new product with someone and the returns seem guaranteed, but something’s telling you it’s off so you decline. Then you find out two months later that the potential business partner has gone bankrupt due to some less than ideal business dealings. That was your intuition warning you to take care.

It can also apply in your personal life with that new man who seems perfect for you in every way but inside there’s this nagging feeling that something’s not quite right. Then you find money is starting to go missing from your purse and a friend shows you that your new partner is still on Tinder. Your intuition was warning you something was off.

  1. Does everyone have intuition?

Yes, we all have intuition but not all us of use it and some of us have developed it more strongly than others. It is something you are born with.

  1. How can I develop my intuition?

Developing your intuition requires you to grow you self-awareness and quiet your mind. This will enable you to tune into your intuition more easily. Your intuition often speaks with a quiet voice and this means you must be able to trust it (i.e. trust yourself) and ensure your brain is quiet enough so you can hear what your intuition is trying to tell you.

  1. How can my intuition help me?

People use their intuition in many ways to help with their business and personal lives. For example, in business it’s particularly useful in helping you to identify growth opportunities and new ways to approach old problems. In your personal life, it can help you to live more in alignment with what you really want to do and who you wish to be rather than being overly influenced by the agendas and beliefs of other people.

If you’d like more information about my intuitive mentoring, personal branding and life purpose programs, check out www.lucretiaswords.com

Relationships and needs: Are you seeing what’s right in front of you?

Relationships and needs: Are you seeing what’s right in front of you?

I’ve been talking to a lot of clients and friends lately about relationships and getting our needs met. Sometimes those relationships are with our love partners, other times they are with our friends, work colleagues or family members. Wherever we go in life we are ‘in relationship’ with someone and the smooth running (or not) of these is dependent on meeting or, at the very least, acknowledging the needs of the other person.

It seems to me those needs are things that a very specific for every individual. Whether they are the result of nature or nurture (or a combination of both), I can’t be sure. But we all have them and, when they’re being ignored by the person we’re in relationship with, things go downhill very quickly.

One of the most obvious examples of this is in a love relationship. If Person A needs some kind of structure and security to feel safe and happy in a relationship, and their partner (Person B) doesn’t have those same core needs and doesn’t acknowledge/isn’t aware of those needs, or refuses to make space for them to be met within the relationship, then neither of them are going to be happy for long.

I’m not saying you need to compromise who you are to make the other person happy – if you do that, it’s not going to work. Instead I think it’s about understanding the other person in the relationship is coming from a different and equally important perspective and, for that relationship to thrive you both need to acknowledge and make space for the other person’s core needs to be met.

Let me offer another example and this time I’ll use me. I’m a very creative and highly intuitive person. For me this translates into a need for space in my life to allow my creativity to flourish and acceptance of my intuitive gifts (i.e. who I am). If I was in a love relationship with someone who couldn’t acknowledge and make space for those needs to be met, we would come up against some very serious challenges.

Of course, sometimes we need help to understand what the other person’s needs are. They may not be able to tell us or even understand them fully themselves. This is where you need to work together and talk it through. Being courageous enough to openly acknowledge and own your needs can be a big step and involves trusting the other person will be open to hearing where you’re coming from. There will be times when the other person doesn’t ‘get it’ and isn’t interested in understanding or making space for what you need in that relationship. That’s when you need to decide what’s best for you and you may need to move on. However, for some, a third party can help you get clear on these things so you can move forward together.

If you are experiencing challenges in relationship with someone else, whoever it is, perhaps all that’s needed is recognition firstly of your own needs, then theirs, and the development of a way you can both have those core needs met. Ignoring your needs, or theirs, is never going to be a successful long term strategy for happiness or contentment in a relationship.

The lessons of Grief and making it through

GriefAround this time last year I had my heart broken by a man I loved with everything in me. When I say ‘broken’, I mean it. My experience with that man literally broke me apart and I completely lost myself in Grief.

I have grieved relationships and people lost from my life before but this time was different. This time Grief took me over and I fell to the bottom of huge pit of despair where I stayed for what seemed like an interminable period. I cried every day for months and months. I raged at the world and at him. I went to places so dark in my mind that I thought I would never make it out alive. Grief was a bitch that would not let me go.

She was with me every moment and, as I writer, my only recourse was to pour my pain onto a page. I wrote 70,000 words between January and May. Then something unexpected happened; the prose turned to poetry. It felt like Grief cracked open this whole new part of me and poetry fell out. It was strange and also so very relentless. Grief was a demanding client. She demanded I write and write even when tired, emotionally spent and physically exhausted. I had to write. It all had to come out.

The muse was my therapist and my words, catharsis. When I read those words now they often seem like they were written by someone else. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes my words impress me and I ask myself, ‘Did I really write that?’ Those words hold an essence and a depth that wasn’t in me 18 months ago. I can thank Grief for that.

She held me close and I held her closer. She defined me and I let her. Then our relationship took an unexpected twist when, after about six months, Grief left me to find another soul to torment. She had penetrated every part of me and her departure left an emptiness behind; a space to be filled by something or, perhaps, someone else.

I didn’t realise she was leaving until after she’d gone. Grief had been my constant companion and influencer. Her occupation of my life was something I dreaded daily but she was also a dragging weight I’d carried willingly for months. Then suddenly, I was free.

I don’t know if I let go of Grief or she let go of me. Maybe it was a combination of both. It felt weird not to have her around. But I couldn’t hold onto her or the pain anymore. I couldn’t stay in that place of torment. It was time to move on.

Some people say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I don’t know about that. All I can say is, although I never, ever want to be hurt like that again, I know the experience showed me parts of myself I didn’t know existed. Grief was a hard taskmaster (okay, a complete bitch) but she taught me a lot about pain, creativity, what I’m capable of (the wonderful and awful, shameful parts) and my ability to just keep going when I’d rather give up completely.

I don’t wish her to visit again. But I am thankful for the lessons Grief taught me because they helped me to become a wiser person, and a stronger writer.